Bunny Ramblings

Shame

2012-03-06T16:42:00.000Z

I'm not very often irrationally ashamed of myself. More often there are times when I should be rationally ashamed of myself and I'm not. I know a lot of people struggle with being ashamed of their submissiveness and I don't often have that. But I'm getting occasional jolts of it now and then.

I think it is connected to revealing (or expanding upon) my cuckquean fantasy to Sir. And my chastity one. I find admitting I have those fantasies humiliating in a not-so-fun way. I don't find my fantasies of forced sex or bondage or pain shameful because I get to live them. I want to live them and I'm very happy with them. There aren't any conflicting feelings about it. I now am fantasising about things that I don't want to happen in real life. They're not rational fantasies.

A lot of my fantasies, or at least erotic stories that I read, are based on a lot of male supremacy ideas. A woman should do this, a wife is made for that. I masturbate to these stories, I come and then I feel ashamed. What's wrong with me? I don't believe in that stuff. I find it abhorrent. And yet it turns me on.

Sometimes I am ashamed of needing Sir's control. I struggle with the niggling feeling that maybe I am weak and needy. Maybe I should pull myself together and learn to stand on my own two feet and stop being so pathetic.

And then of course because I'm feeling bad I turn to Sir for help, and when I'm feeling bad I need his control to feel better...and then it starts all over again.

I don't feel this way very often. I hope it's a passing phase. I wish that revealing what to me are very fucked up fantasies would have helped me not feel ashamed, but it doesn't seem to be that easy.

Aroused by denial

2012-03-01T23:52:00.000Z

According to my mantra, I want to do whatever Sir wants me to do. Now, I accept that this has a great many caveats. I of course have my own desires and wants separate from Sir, which is healthy and normal. I also distinctly do not want to do some things he wants me to do, like getting out of bed in the morning.

But sexually this does seem to be the case. I want to be controlled, and it doesn't really matter to me what form that control takes. In addition, if Sir wants something in particular, over time I often seem to get brainwashed into really liking it as well.

This desire for control has recently more overtly extended itself to being denied. I've somehow re-worked absence of something I like doing with him exerting his control over me. The last few times we've had sex there hasn't been any foreplay for me. No oral sex, no nipple clamps, no play. Just a few brief touches to make sure I was wet enough and then straight into sex.

Now, I enjoy oral sex and I definitely love nipple clamps. But in my mind I also get really turned on by him not giving me what I want, and just using me. Of course sometimes he does want to do those things, and he does them, but their absence is somehow a particularly depraved turn on.

I think this fits in with my relatively recent cuckquean fetish. This is where a wife is humiliated and denied sex by the husband because he's fucking other women. For some reason, male cuckolding is a lot more popular than female cuckolding, but there are still some stories available.

Here are a couple of ones I like:

Quean for a Day

Cuckolded Humiliated Sub Girl

This is all fantasy of course. I really really really don't want Sir to do this in real life. I'm a bit nervous to bring it up; I'm kind of ashamed that I have this fetish because I don't understand it much. I guess it's to do with enjoying being denied and just used as Sir sees fit. I don't think Sir will do this to me (I really hope not) but the idea that he could and that he does have the right to do so also turns me on.

January and February 2012 Books

2012-03-01T11:30:00.001Z

Now that it's term time I have less time to read novels than in the holidays. I've read (a lot) more books than this, but that's for my course. Currently I'm making my way through everything Haruki Murakami has ever written. Apparently deviating from this aim is a fool's errand.

Liked:

The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami
Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami

Disliked:

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson
Anthropology of an American Girl by Hilary Thayer Hamann

Neglect

2012-02-29T17:08:00.002Z

Last night my bunny was struggling with feeling neglected. We had not been to talk as much as usual for the past couple of days, due to both of us being busy with friends at different times. When I got back and we would normally talk, my bunny had already had a nap, which was earlier than normal. I was tired and didn't have much work to do, so thought I would have a nap, meaning that we did not talk that much yesterday afternoon either. My dinner then went on a little longer than I had intended, so I was a bit later back than I thought, and by then my bunny was feeling neglected.

I realised this and kept trying to talk to her, but she was obviously a bit upset/annoyed, so did not seem very responsive to prompts to start a conversation. I was worried this might be depression, as it is often a sign that my bunny is feeling depressed, but my bunny assured me it was not and she was just feeling neglected. I continued to talk to my bunny and try to make her feel happier, such as getting her to wear her collar and praising her, but these were not working very well.

In the end my bunny said that she felt she needed control, so I made her take her clothes off and get ready for bed. This might seem a bit like topping from the bottom to some, but I encourage my bunny to tell me what she thinks she needs so that I can make more informed decisions about how to act. There was not time to do an online scene such as making my bunny masturbate for me over webcam, as I would have preferred to do, as it was getting late, so instead I wrote something for my bunny about some thoughts I had had recently about what our relationship will be like when we live together and what I will make her do.

This seemed to help a little bit, but my bunny still needed more control, so I made her wear her ball-gag. This relaxed her quite a bit, and I then outlined what she was to do the next day, making it clear that she was to be around between a certain time so we could spend some time together. That seemed to make her happier and feel better, and we went to bed soon after that.

This morning I also texted my bunny while I was out to make sure she was up and doing what I had told her to. She was, and then she has been around to talk to this afternoon like I told her to be, and seems to be a lot happier. This maybe seems a little harsh to impose restrictions on my bunny to solve a problem that has maybe been caused by me and impacted on her, but it has worked and provided my bunny with the control and attention she needed.

I think it was mainly my fault, as I did not need to have a nap yesterday and should have showed my appreciation for my bunny making time to talk to me more. However, that said, had I known my bunny was feeling a bit neglected I would not have gone for a nap, although she did not necessarily know this before I went. We have dealt with the problem pretty well though, and I think this demonstrated the importance of communication, for preventing a problem such as this, helping to solve the problem, and also so that my bunny feels wanted and owned as she is.

Could I ever go back to being vanilla?

2012-02-23T17:27:00.000Z

I don't think Sir and I would ever go back to being vanilla in our relationship. I think we've gone too far with it; it's become how we relate to one another and trust each other. I think if something were to happen by which I couldn't trust him to be my Master, I couldn't go back to having him as my boyfriend.

If something were to happen to Sir or if we were to break up, I would hope that I would eventually be able to move on and be with someone else. I don't believe in soul mates; I believe I could have been happy with someone else. There are certain qualities that I would look for in a partner, but a relationship is something that you build together not something based on perfect compatibility.

I don't think I could be happy long-term without someone looking after me and taking control of me. I think I would be fine in terms of getting on with my life, but in terms of being happy in the relationship, I just couldn't bear the constant re-negotiation of power. I need the roles to be clear and I need to be looked after to feel happy and intimate.

I think I could manage without having any kink in my life. I mean, to be honest, we're not very kinky at the moment. I love being spanked, I love nipple clamps, I love dominant sex, but I don't need them to be happy.

The main problem I have is that I am attracted to and need a dominant man, but I would not want to submit to them until I trusted them and loved them. I think that would become an issue for me on a BDSM dating site, where I would want to be treated as a vanilla equal for some time.

With Sir, I always knew that I wanted to be submissive in some way, and then I gradually introduced Sir to my desires. At that point I thought my attraction to BDSM was only sexual, and we learnt about it and adapted to it together. I guess I could meet people in a vanilla setting and then let them know about my BDSM desires, but that seems like it has quite a high risk factor of people not being into BDSM, and also a bit sneaky of me to not be upfront about something that is so important to me.

So the answer is no, I don't think I could ever be happy in a vanilla relationship again. I would always want to interact with my partner on a D/s, if not M/s basis, but I could live without kink. However, I think that my personal preferences for sexual and submissive intimacy would make it very hard to find a partner who was suited to me. So let's hope that Sir and I stay together!

Why I find my bunny sexy

2012-02-22T16:48:00.002Z

My bunny does not always believe that I find her sexy and sometimes she struggles with body image issues so does not understand how I can find her sexually attractive. At other times, however, my bunny wants me to say nice things about her, including how sexy she is to me, and she readily accepts this and it works to cheer her up.

The most obvious reason for finding my bunny sexy is her physical appearance. Working from the bottom up, she has great legs, which even though she is quite small, are relatively long in relation to the rest of her body. They are kept shaved and smooth, and feel great to stroke, as well as being very pleasing to look at. One of my bunny's best features is her arse. It is large for her size, although not really fat or out of proportion. it is nice and round and soft, making it great for spanking. My bunny's pussy is also very attractive, even if she does not understand this. It is kept well trimmed and tastes great when I am going down on her. My bunny has a much flatter stomach than she thinks, and this too looks very nice when I watch her undressing. My bunny's breasts are great too and really match my preferences. They are quite small and have a very nice shape, but in relation to the rest of her look larger than they are. They have very soft (or hard if aroused) nipples which are just the right size in my opinion. Her face is also very pretty, with a beautiful smile and very happy, expressive eyes, and her hair is always soft and great to run my fingers through. Overall, my bunny has a slender yet feminine figure, and I love to see her both clothed and naked, as I think she looks really good.

However, I find my bunny sexy for reasons other than her appearance. Her personality is also very sexy to me. She is intelligent and very hard-working, which is very appealing to me, and although they might not be a conventional thing to list as a sexy quality, I find them sexy. She is also quite a sexual person, with a good sense of humour, so this can lead to some good exchanges between us, as well as simply lots of talk of sex that we might otherwise not have, which can turn me on. My bunny is also very cute, which along with being small, makes me want to look after her, but also highlights my dominance over her. This plays well with our dynamic and heightens my dominance at times, because the difference in physical power is so obvious, although in reality we are only playing when I overpower her and I would not want to really force her to have sex or similar in real life.

The dynamic we have, and my bunny's submissive side is another thing that I find sexy about her. She does not always realise when she is being submissive as it has become the norm, but she is very willing to please me and wants to be the best submissive she can be. She will do what I tell her, sometimes after a bit of persuasion, but this willingness to follow me and do the things I want to is a big turn on for me.

So my bunny is sexy to me in many ways, from appearance to personality to her submissiveness and our dynamic. Overall, this makes her a very sexy person to me, which along with how well we get on makes her a wonderful partner for me to have.

A confession

2012-02-16T09:53:00.001Z

On an intellectual, rational level I know that we identify as Dominant and slave because that's just our personal preferences, and it has nothing to do with gender. I don't believe in male supremacy. I believe men and women are equal and it is much more satisfying to have chosen this type of relationship than to have been forced into it by stereotyping. I believe that women can Dommes, and it doesn't make them any less female. I believe that men can be slaves and it doesn't make them any less male. I certainly don't believe that male submissives are weak and pathetic.

I think it is awful that in the past (and in many places in the world right now) women became their husband's property on the point of marriage. I have strong reservations about our culture in which the woman still by-and-large takes the husband's name and is given away by her father - pretty much without questioning what this tradition was built upon.

I don't understand why we equate strength as a person with brawn and maleness; as a small woman I deserve the same respect Sir does from the outside world. I am a strong person and my size should not take away from that.

However. While I ultimately and intellectually want to totally get rid of gender (that being the cultural attachments to one's biological sex), I also can't pretend that I am emotionally immune to gender stereotyping.

One of the reasons why I want to get married is because it turns me on to think about being *officially* my husband's property. I want to be his little slut wife; I want to serve him as a good wife should serve her husband. (Most of these fantasies obviously revolve around sexual acts. The idea of doing all the housework while he relaxes with a beer does not turn me on).

I want to worship my husband as the embodiment of manliness; him taking charge of me and my life represents the natural order of things. I love the contrast between how tall, broad and strong he is compared to me. I am small and fragile and I need him to take care of me and use me how he sees fit.

I want everyone to know that Sir possesses me and that he has chosen to take care of me above all others. I want to financially commit to Sir; I want it to be hard for me to leave. I want us to be joined as one. I want everyone to know that I worship and adore my husband.

A lot of the things I mention above we will be doing as husband and wife - but we had already achieved them as Master and slave. And as I've said before, the label of husband and wife should not be synonymous with Master and slave...but nonetheless I can't wait to live with Sir and be trained to be his perfect little slut wife.

What I get out of having a slave

2012-02-15T16:06:00.002Z

I may not be the strictest Dominant and I do not even require my bunny to obey me immediately, but rather allow her to make an argument or fight a little bit if she sees fit, so what do I get out of having a slave?

The short answer is I get exactly what I want. It might appear from what I just said that this is not the case, as my bunny is not obeying me immediately at times, so surely she is not doing exactly what I want? However, what I want is for my bunny to be herself. I fell in love with her arguing with me, questioning my decisions and making sure things are correct. I love the little battles we have as we try to win arguments with the best reasoning, seeing each others intelligence on display. I love to see the competitive side of my bunny and her will to win. I would not want to lose any of this, as this makes my bunny, my bunny.

Ultimately, my bunny does submit to me. Sometimes this is instantly, but sometimes she does question if what I am making her do is correct. This might appear as if it is topping from the bottom to some people, but I think it is important to allow discussion over certain things, as I can not always have the correct answer. If I do not want my bunny to question what I am saying and simply submit, I will make this clear, although it is rare that I have to do this. Most of the time I prefer it that my bunny questions me and discusses my decisions, so in her doing this and not submitting to my orders immediately I am getting what I want and she is giving me what I want, which is a simplification of the role she has as a slave.

So what are the details of what I get out of having a slave? I get sex whenever and however I want it (this is not necessarily when I feel like having sex, as I do not want to harm my bunny sometimes if there is a risk of that, for example). I get to be the one to look after my bunny (I want to see my bunny happy, which makes me happy, but I am also quite possessive and it gives me pleasure to be the one to make sure she is happy and safe, rather than her getting that through something else). I get to dictate how our lives run, what we do and when we do it. This gives me a lot of power to mould my life how I want, which is something I value highly, particularly as I enjoy being in a position of responsibility. There are more benefits, but these are the main ones that spring to mind.

Overall then, what I get out of having a slave is the chance to be control of my life and the different parts in and around it fully. I am someone who thrives on being in control. I am happiest when I am in charge and I know I am going to do a good job with saying, which does not mean that my bunny or anyone else would not do a good job - this is just where I am happiest, and having a slave allows me to be in this position all the time.

Our Valentine's Weekend

2012-02-14T14:02:00.000Z

For our Valentine's Day celebrations, I thought it would be a good idea this time to treat ourselves to a nice experience as opposed to a present. As students, money is a bit tight, so this sort of thing isn't a usual occurrence for us. As I have a bit more money than Sir I suggested that I could pay for a hotel room for the night and then he could take me out for dinner. We had an amazing time together.

We got to our hotel room mid-afternoon on Saturday. The hotel had a discount deal on, so we got a really nice room for a much lower price than usual. It had its own separate upstairs, where there was a sofa, TV and a little kitchenette with free tea, coffee, hot chocolate and biscuits. Downstairs was a bathroom with a large shower and under-floor heating, a large double bed with duvet and another large TV screen. We were very impressed with the room!

After having some tea and settling in a bit, we got into bed and made full use of privacy we so rarely get! I was very glad that my week or so of depression hadn't affected my sexual desire for Sir as it sometimes does. I was very eager to have sex! Sir went down on me for the first time in about a month (see here for why that is in fact something that makes me happy) which was great. I was able to moan a lot and he tried out using his fingers more. Fingering is odd for me - touching my G spot can consistently get me closer to cumming, but when I'm not that close it just feels a bit too intense. After I had asked for permission to cum, I was extremely wet. Sir and I had sex with a little bit of dirty talk, but mainly it was good because we could be louder than usual. Sir put me in a few positions that he knows I find uncomfortable for his own pleasure which was great as well.

Once we had finished we cuddled in bed for a while and Sir got to watch the second half of the rugby. Eventually we got ready to go out and Sir took me to the Rainforest Café. This is basically a themed restaurant where it seems like you're in a rainforest, with trees, a starry sky, an aquarium, different animals, water coming from the ceiling in places and jungle noises. Although it's something that is more of a tourist attraction for those with children, Sir was definitely right that it was something I would love! I really love nature programmes and especially fish, so I was really pleased when we got sat opposite the aquarium.

The rainforest café makes a big deal of not being able to book, so we had to wait a bit to be seated, which was fine as there was lots to look at and a bar to get a drink. There were lots of unusual drinks to choose from, so Sir got a smoothie with lots of different fruits in it, and I tried a strawberry daiquiri for the first time. It was one of the best drinks I've ever had! The drinks were quite expensive, but so were regular ones, so we might as well have paid a little bit extra for the unusual ones. When we were sat at our table we shared nachos as a starter, then accidentally basically got nachos again for our mains! I had a quesadilla and Sir had chilli con carne so the ingredients were very similar. But everything was really tasty and we had a great time.

When we got back Sir said he was a bit tired for scening. As we had until noon the following morning to check out, we had a very relaxed evening. Sir spanked me before we watched Dodgeball. The spanking was really very hard compared to what I am used to (it was with his hand, not the paddle, so that might have been why). It only lasted a short while before we watched the film, but he certainly made it count! We had a very snuggly evening after that before we went to sleep.

In the morning the alarm went off at 8 so that we could have time for scening. Although I wouldn't say that I got out of bed sharpish, I was a lot better at getting up than I usually am, knowing that we would be scening! Sir first of all made me kneel in front of him and say my mantra. At that time in the morning it was very difficult to remember it properly, but once I had done so we could begin our scening properly. I'm a bit hazy on the details, but I know that Sir put the nipple clamps on me. As always, I absolutely loved it when he lightly played with my clamped and sore nipples. He ordered me to give him a blowjob at the same time. I couldn't do this properly because I have a cut on the side of my mouth from the cold weather, so I used my tongue a lot instead of my mouth.

At some point he tied my hands behind my back with the cuffs. The cuffs meant that it was very difficult for me to balance and he had to physically move me to where he wanted me to go. Sometimes I worry that this just makes the cuffs annoying for him, but I guess he knows full well that I can't move myself in them and likes me to be helpless and vulnerable. The sex lasted for quite a while. At some point the nipple clamps became too much for me to bear and I had to beg for them to be taken off. It was incredibly painful and I had the indents from the clamps for a further two days! Sir undid my cuffs so I could position myself on top of him, and we carried on.

All the orgasms and all the scening meant that I found myself floating away into subspace while we were still having sex. I was really relaxed but I had gone limp and was having trouble talking, so Sir ended the scene and the sex and snuggled me. I felt bad that Sir hadn't cum, but I know that when I go into subspace I need to let Sir look after me. And I also know he loves to look after me and he doesn't feel it's any imposition on him.

After I had regained the power of speech and was starting to come back to reality a little more, we showered together, and Sir washed my body for me and vice versa. This obviously takes longer than just washing ourselves (although we do like to shower together) but it was fun and cosy. We then cuddled in bed for a bit before checking out. We then had brunch at a nearby café before I had to head home.

All in all, we had a wonderful weekend. We had fantastic sex, a chance to scene, lots of snuggles, good food, a night out and quality time together. Sir said at one point that the weekend made him very excited (not that he wasn't already) to live together in the future. Obviously we won't be going to hotels and going to expensive restaurants, but for us the main attraction of the hotel was having the space to be ourselves, which we will have once we live together. Although there wasn't time to do everything Sir wanted to do, I can give Sir a striptease at my place, so we haven't missed out. Things like the spanking which we couldn't do every day we managed at the hotel. We had a fantastic time and really enjoyed ourselves.

Valentine's Day

2012-02-08T15:48:00.002Z

Valentine's Day is coming up next week, but as we will be unable to see each other on the actual day we are celebrating this weekend. We are going to stay in a hotel on Saturday night, and we are going out for a meal as well. My bunny has been suffering with her depression over the past few days, and it has been a while since we have treated ourselves to a romantic evening away like this, especially as we are primarily on student budgets, so it will make a nice change and I am really looking forward to it.

Being in a hotel room with nobody else that we know around obviously gives us the perfect chance to scene. I will be asking my bunny to bring the nipple clamps, rope cuffs, collar and ball gag. I will not decide exactly what will happen until I am in the scene and I know exactly what I want to do, but to give some idea of what I am thinking at the moment, the scene should go something like this:

I will begin by making my bunny strip for me, while I sit on the bed. When she has finished, I will make her kneel before me and I will put her collar on, as well as the ball gag. I will then make her kneel on the bed, so I can put the nipple clamps on her. Once she has got them on fully, she will be made to go on all fours on the bed, and spanked by my hand. Once I have spanked her sufficiently, I will then remove the ball gag, leaving the nipple clamps on if I think she is able to take them still. I will then guide my bunny onto the floor by pulling her by her hair, making her kneel in front of me and say her mantra. She will then be allowed to take my cock in her mouth until I want to use her pussy. When I am ready for this, she will be made to go on all fours on the bed again, but this time her hands will be cuffed behind her back. The nipple clamps will remain on for as long as she can manage. I will then fuck her in the doggy style position until I cum inside her. Once we are finished, I will remove the nipple clamps if my bunny has managed to keep them on for that long, take off the hand cuffs and cuddle my bunny, telling her well she has done and other things I do for aftercare.

Once my bunny has recovered a bit and is able to talk more, I will remove her collar and take her to the shower/bath and wash her as we shower/bathe together, before drying her off. I will then put the collar back on and take her to bed for more cuddling and snuggling, making sure she feels loved and reassured about any concerns she has after the scene, before hopefully falling asleep cuddling with one another, and with my bunny with her collar still on; owned.

This is an outline for our scene and some of the details may well change, but I'm sure we will write about it afterwards.

(Joke) Rules for Sir's appearance

2012-02-06T20:30:00.001Z

I would be a terrible Dom. I really would. Being Dominant means have power and control over another human being, and with that comes a massive responsibility. I would just use people for my own enjoyment.

Just for funsies (I swear!), here are some rules I'd make for Sir's appearance if I could...

Wear suits sometimes, just to turn me on. I don't care that dry-cleaning is expensive.
You look good in shirts. Particularly your blue-and-white check one.
You look good in tighter T-shirts. Your Hoax T-shirts and your V-necks in particular.
You look good in your nice soft jumpers, particularly your stripy ones and your plain blue one. Also, they're nice to snuggle.
The reason you look good in the aforementioned items is because you have broad shoulders and a broad chest. You have the typical manly man build. You should wear clothes that flatter this and not clothes that would look good on skinny hipsters.
Your black skinny jeans must be thrown away.
Your new, warm, very fashionable cable-knit jumpers must be BURNED. They completely hide your broadness under a mountain of material. You look kind of like a Scandinavian lesbian in them.
Similarly, your hair must always be longish. Just when it is at its nicest you cut half of it off. Do not do this.
Also, whatever the hairdresser did last time to make it more 'modern' as you call it means that it isn't growing out as nicely at the moment.
Learn to tweeze your own eyebrows, or stop complaining when I do it.
Shave your chest.
You are sexy in glasses, just not in your new ones. So get ones more like your old pair and wear them more.
Congratulations on having a hot body and for the most part learning to dress it well. However, my last recommendation is also the most important one. You should be naked a LOT more. This is priority number one as far as appearance is concerned. I am willing to spend a lot more on heating bills to facilitate this.

Punished :(

2012-02-03T15:12:00.000Z

Sir is punishing me today for wilfully disobeying a direct order not to look at the Internet while I was writing my essay. He was very specific about his order and clear on why the order was important. My attitude had been not great all day, and instead of finishing my essay at around 6pm as planned, I finished at at 1.30am.

My punishment is being banned from masturbating last night and today. We will see how I react to this punishment. In the past I have deliberately been disobedient in order to be punished, and as orgasm denial is something I often think about, I fear that I might actually enjoy it. Or at least have a love/hate complicated relationship with it. We shall see.

I'm sorry I was disobedient. I don't know what else to say. I don't have anything to justify my behaviour. I think it would be a good idea to finish a lot of the planning a day before, but I still had plenty of time. And I knew I was disobeying a direct order.

I'm mainly sad because I thought I had been doing better in my submission. This sucks.

Description of Sir

2012-02-02T12:31:00.000Z

I thought I'd do a post describing Sir as a person outside of our relationship. I guess a lot of this stuff I've said before, or you've probably picked up on it before. I think it's important to really like your Master as well as love them and submit to them.

Sir is a very neat and tidy person. Living with six other guys, his house is surprisingly clean. His room is always tidy and everything is organised and put away. For some reason, despite being incredibly neat, he always leaves his socks in the middle of the room which irritates me. I'm a much messier person but I put my socks to one side.

Sir is an athletic person. He has always been tall and played a lot of football, so his natural fitness levels and hand-eye co-ordination have always been good. That means he can pick up a lot of sports very quickly. So I have been playing squash for longer than Sir, but he is much better than me. Three years ago he managed to lose about 30 pounds in two months, so now he is a lot leaner than he was before. Although I tease him a lot about being formerly fat, he was still actually very athletic at that time, and I'm very impressed that he managed to lose that amount so quickly.

Sir is academically gifted. We met at a very good school that I had to pass additional entrance exams to get into, and we both were two of the top students there. Sir is very good at things like maths and economics which I am not very good at, but he is also good at humanities. Without him I would have failed my maths exams. I'm very, um, turned on by his academic ability and nerdiness. It was definitely something I was looking for in a partner.

Probably the thing that would stand out the most for people who know Sir is his calmness. He is always very calm and measured and thinks seriously about things before coming to a judgement. Things do not fluster him or make him angry.

Sir has a very witty sense of humour and Sir often remarks that I'm the only one of his friends who can manage to make a joke at his expense. (That's not because other people are afraid of him, just that they can't keep up with his sense of humour) When it's just the two of us he can act more cutesy which I don't like as much, but I suppose this is a sign that Sir is relaxed around me.

In many ways, I guess that Sir is quite a 'boring' person. He has relatively quiet hobbies, like going running, playing squash and hanging out with friends. He is very keen on football, but no longer plays it. But he doesn't particularly like clubbing or partying or drinking a lot. He likes to do well academically and keep fit and spend time with his girlfriend (me, obviously). I am more spontaneous in comparison, but I too mainly like spending time with friends and him and just hanging out rather than doing anything crazy. His being boring is usually a very good thing, as it means he is a very stable, calm person with the same sorts of interests as me.

Although it's far too soon for us to think about yet, I think that Sir in the future would make a really wonderful father, although I'm much less sure about what sort of parent I would make! He enjoys spending time with my nieces and finds them adorable and funny. He is a very patient and kind man, so I can see him as being very suited to fatherhood. Although he doesn't spend as much time with my nieces as I do, when he's with them he is very helpful and makes a great effort to involve them.

In terms of looks, Sir is 6'1' with light brown wavy hair, green eyes, broad shoulders, long legs and size 11 feet. He seems to have a lot of pubic hair (to me) but fortunately only a little bit of hair on his chest. I really hate hairy men! He is clean-shaven and his hair is a little bit longer than the average male hair cut, but it's nowhere near his shoulders.

This description has been about the sorts of qualities that Sir has that other people around him will appreciate, not just D/s things that only I know about. I think he is a genuinely Nice Guy and I'm very lucky to have him in my life in any capacity.

Two-sided agreement

2012-02-01T21:36:00.002Z

My bunny having her usual worries recently, along with a couple of other posts in the blogs I read, have got me thinking about how our D/s arrangement is not as one-sided as it initially seems. This may be stating the obvious to many people, but there are a set of requirements and restrictions to both parties that govern how our relationship works, even if ultimately it is what I say that goes.

First of all, there is a responsibility for the submissive that the Dominant takes on when they enter into the agreement/relationship. The submissive may well need looking after, guidance, structure in their life, which it is up to the Dominant to provide. It is this care that is perhaps the most explicit way the Dominant can be seen to be giving something to the submissive, certainly in our relationship. Sure the Dominant gets to order the submissive around, making her do what he wants, but there is an underlying requirement that these instructions are valuable to the submissive, even if it is simply comforting for them to follow orders and beneficial to them in no other way, as otherwise the submissive would not agree to the relationship and it may well break down.

Also, during scenes and sex, I think there is a responsibility for the Dominant to have the submissive's safety in mind. When pain or mental manipulation is involved, there is a limit that the Dominant should abide by before it becomes abuse, which may have been agreed on before hand, while there are also important elements, such as after care, that I feel are the Dominant's responsibility to make sure they happen and the submissive gets what they need.

Ultimately, these views might not be shared by everyone. They are simply mine, and a reflection on the way our dynamic works. Our version of D/s works because of the mutual trust we have, and our willingness both to give to the relationship, so even though I may appear to get the benefits, I hope my bunny gets quite a lot out of it too.

Same old worries

2012-01-31T13:36:00.001Z

So, last weekend I got worried again. It's the same set of worries I have on a regular basis. How much of a problem is it that we're not all that kinky? Will we be happy when we live together?

The annoying thing that sometimes happens when I worry is that I get very reluctant to talk to Sir about it. I become convinced that I will somehow ruin the relationship by telling him what's on my mind. This is of course a silly thing to think because confiding in Sir has never produced anything but positive results. It's even sillier because I have these worries on a regular basis, so I know that it won't upset him.

When I finally told him about my worries (or, repeated them for about the sixth time), Sir comforted me in the usual way. Basically, the problem is that I get so used to the D/s dynamic we have on an everyday level that I sort of forget that it's there. I consider how we interact as vanilla and normal and no longer think of us as engaging in D/s.

Sir points out to me that we're not a vanilla couple, even if we're doing things that seem very ordinary. Last Saturday, for example, Sir told me when to get up, made me eat breakfast downstairs when I was reluctant to (the kitchen is colder than upstairs, but it's more convenient for washing up), told me to go shopping with him, suggested we buy sweets as a treat for me, ordered me to work and sent me to have a nap. The entire structure of the day was decided by Sir and enforced by Sir. Even though the day included no sex or kink whatsoever, he was still in control the entire day.

So I need reminding every once in a while that we're not vanilla. But he also says that it's a positive thing that I keep thinking about issues of living together. Living together will be a big change and one that shouldn't be taken lightly. The first few months of living together probably will be quite challenging, if fulfilling, as we figure out how to incorporate kink into our lives and see what rules suit us when we live together full time as opposed to seeing each other at weekends.

I think I do worry a lot but when I talk to Sir my problems are always much more manageable than I had thought they were.

The next morning I was woken up very abruptly by Sir kissing me on the mouth. It's been a while since he has woken me up for sex, and I was instantly very turned on. After kissing me and fondling me for a bit, Sir shoved my head down under the duvet to give him a blowjob.

I think my reaction to having my head forcibly moved between his legs separates me quite clearly from vanilla women. I really really enjoy being manhandled and the fact that Sir will just move me wherever he wants during sex. Being unceremoniously pushed onto his dick and used was fantastic, and reminded me of my place. In the position we were in, Sir was lying on his side so he could thrust into my mouth and play with my nipples at the same time. I had a couple of orgasms from him touching me, before I straddled him and he finished in my pussy.

Similarly, the weekend before, I really appreciated Sir being sexually aggressive with me from the moment the door was shut behind us. He pushed me against it and lifted me up, kissing me roughly. He helped me out of my top and bra, but when I tried to unzip my skirt he grabbed my hand and would not let me help. He then bent me over the bed on all fours with my skirt up around my waist, and told me I was gorgeous.

Aaaaaaaaaand now I'm horny. How does Sir manage to be so sweet yet so domineering at the same time? There can only be one answer. HE IS A WIZARD.

The past couple of weekends have seen rougher sex than usual for us, although there's a certain level of manhandling that is present in all our sessions. It seems like an odd thing to say, but when Sir uses me in that way, especially when he knows I'm having worries, it makes me feel very loved. Sir lets me know that he appreciates what we have in terms of being D/s and not vanilla, and cares enough about me to let me know who is in charge. After he uses me he is always the perfect gentleman, cuddling and kissing me and telling me what a good girl I've been and how much he loves me.

So I think I will continue to worry intermittently about things. Even though it's sometimes good to worry about things, I do wish I worried less, but I think that changing that part of my personality would be very difficult. I am pleased though that I can confide in Sir and we can deal with all my worries so that we can get on with other things.

Being a sex slave is kind of like being a nun

2012-01-29T22:19:00.000Z

The title sounds like it's the beginning of a bad joke but stay with me! I have a serious (or semi-serious) point to make that I thought of when watching the film Doubt with Meryl Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Most people would never want to be a nun. Most people - even a lot of people who are religious - would think that going into a convent would be an incredible sacrifice. You don't get to have a career, you don't get to fall in love, you don't get to have a family, you don't get to have sex, every day is spent helping other people rather than yourself, you have to wear a habit, you spend an inordinate amount of time on your knees...

In a similar way, being a slave involves a lot of sacrifice. You sacrifice a lot of your persona autonomy. A lot of slaves aren't allowed a career, don't get to determine when they have sex or choose not to, every day is spent serving and caring for their masters before themselves, they don't necessarily get to choose what they wear, they spend an inordinate amount of time on their knees...

As an atheist, I tend to think that people are drawn to religion for social and cultural reasons rather than God's calling. I think in many ways the type of person that would choose the life of a nun (taking a vow of chastity) is the same type of person that would choose the life of a sex slave (taking a vow of...um, the opposite of chastity!).

Both sets take pleasure from serving some sort of higher purpose. Not that I think that Sir is some kind of deity, but rather that there's a certain satisfaction that comes with taking care of something outside yourself. And while a nun might give up her other dreams and ambitions to serve God, she also believes that by doing so she is secure in going to heaven. Similarly, though sex slaves sacrifice a lot to serve their masters, there is a great security in knowing that your master must be pleased with you because you've sacrificed so much.

(Although as an aside, I don't think either of those really works out in real life. Obviously as an atheist I don't think that nuns do go to heaven, but I also think that sometimes Master/slave relationships don't work out, even if the slave is willing to make huge sacrifices. Nothing is 100%.)

On a more mundane level, both nuns and sex slaves have routine and formality as quite a large part of their lives. Wearing the collar or the habit every day reminds you of who you are. If your everyday life is planned according to a rigid structure outside your control, you no longer have to worry about it so much. The hierarchy is clear so there are no power games.

I think sex slaves are motivated by something more than sex, and nuns and priests are motivated by something far less than God's calling. I think there are similar psychological and cultural motivations to both. I never thought I would be comparing myself to a nun though!

Good Sex

2012-01-25T16:11:00.002Z

This weekend was the first time we had seen each other in a while, and it was good to see each other again after a slightly longer break than normal, but it was relatively normal apart from the quality of sex we had. That is not to say we don't normally have good sex, which we do, but rather that a combination of feeling passionate towards each other because of the gap between visits, and trying out a couple of different things we don't normally do that worked well, made the sex especially good.

When I arrived at my bunny's we went straight out for a meal and to watch 'Shame' at the cinema to celebrate a friend's birthday. It was a very nice meal, and 'Shame' was interesting, if a bit uncomfortable, but then we went back to my bunny's. We spent some time with friends, but soon headed up to bed when they started to play a board game. This was when the first episode of sex happened.

I was feeling particularly horny and dominant, so when my bunny came into the room I took her into my arms and kissed her passionately against the door. I then gently pushed her down onto the bed, and rested my cock against her pussy from behind, while playing with her nipples. Soon I was able to slide inside her and began fucking her. We then went through a few positions, before trying something new for us. I encouraged my bunny to sit down on my lap facing me, with her legs either side of me, both of us sitting up. Then, when I was inside her, I lay down, pushing my cock deep up into her. Normally my bunny is unable to take this position comfortably, but with the more gentle introduction seemed more able to. We then fucked like this for a bit, before going into our more conventional position with my bunny on top, of her kneeling rather than sitting, and we finished off like that. Afterwards we cuddled for a bit, but were both tired so soon went to sleep.

In the morning, I woke up horny again, and started to play with my bunny's nipples while spooning her. Soon she was getting wet, so I slid inside her, fucking her quite hard. After a while we changed positions, and managed to have sex in the spooning position, which again is often uncomfortable for my bunny but seemed to be better this time. I was even able to cum in that position, which I'm not sure I have been able to do before due to my bunny only being comfortable for a limited amount of time.

Apart from the sex we did other enjoyable things, such as watching TV in bed together, cooking together and getting my bunny sorted out with cooking equipment and heavy ingredients while I was there to help. The sex, however, was the thing that really stood out from the weekend.

Stating the obvious

2012-01-25T10:53:00.001Z

I'm a big fan of Holly Pervocracy. She talks a lot about the issues around gender and sex in particular in a funny but really well thought out way. One of her issues is getting the message out that having sex shouldn't just be a question of not saying no but actively saying yes; we should own our sexual desires and not just 'give in' to them or 'not reject' someone. Good sex goes way just 'not-rape'.

One of the things she does mention though is how she and her partner always ask each other before they have sex and how this should be a much more common thing in society; just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't mean getting consent every time isn't important.

I agree with that message, but to be honest, verbally asking if it's okay to have sex is not something we do on a frequent or regular basis.

The primary reason for this would be that we're in a Master/slave relationship and I've given blanket consent already, I guess.

But then again, even before we were D/s, I don't remember a lot of 'Do you want me to have sex with you?' From either of us.

If one of us is horny, the plan is usually to seduce the other person and make them horny as well. And then once we both want sex, the signs that we're up for it aren't particularly hard to read...from either of us!

Sir has sometimes asked me if I want sex if I'm acting a bit strangely, but usually getting sex from me is not about getting the verbal OK but getting me turned on too. And I'm the same, if I want sex and I'm rubbing up against him and trying to seduce me and he's not into it, he'll tell me so then rather than me asking, but otherwise he's quite happy to let me make him horny.

I appreciate that my submissiveness has a lot to do with this, and I appreciate that our way of doing things wouldn't work for everyone. In our case, 'Do you want sex?' would more often than not have a very obvious answer, and I can imagine him saying it just to tease me and make me wait rather than to check that I was totally up for sex.

I do see the point that Holly is making and I applaud the idea that sex should be something you actively want and explore between you rather than something that one person just doesn't say no to. And definitely it's better to be over-focused on getting consent than under-focused. But in our relationship at least, the verbal confirmation usually isn't necessary.

Children come before your M/s relationship

2012-01-24T18:05:00.001Z

My blog etiquette only extends as far as ranting on my blog and not posting comments onto theirs. I also won't say the names of the offending people, but I'm not really going to any great lengths to hide who it is that has inspired this rant.I don't want to pick a fight, but I don't see why I shouldn't express my feelings.

People have such stupid opinions about what great love is.

Some say that love means you'd be willing to die for that person.

What a load of nonsense. I have no idea whether I'd be willing to die for Sir or not. The situation isn't likely to come up. I might surprise everyone and sacrifice myself for him, but I can easily imagine myself not. I have no idea until it happens because it's so far removed from the reality of our lives. Then again, instinct might make me take a bullet for a young child, but that doesn't mean I love them any more than I don't love Sir.

A lot of people who abuse their wives or neglect their children would also be willing to die for them. And maybe they will. But love is not enough. You don't have to die for them. You have to live for them and do right by them, and that's a lot harder. That's a lot more self-sacrificing.

I don't understand how anyone can put their M/s relationship before their kids, let alone for a man who is not the children's father. I don't understand how you justify not fighting for custody for a two-year-old who you know is being neglected because your Master doesn't want to.

Fuck your Master.

You choose your children.

Every single time.

I also don't like how everyone thinks that it's not okay to judge. If you haven't lived it, you couldn't possibly know.

Yes, a little more understanding and empathy goes a long way. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't make a judgement. Not fighting for custody for the innocent, neglected child because of your M/s relationship is wrong. Doing the right thing is heartbreaking and insanely difficult but your choice has consequences.

Similarly, there's another blog out there where a Dominant damaged his two submissives by being a raging alcoholic, and put them in significant danger. He continues, as far as I can tell, to not accept any responsibility or agency for his actions.

And all the commenters send hugs and positive thoughts! I don't understand it. This man is abusive, and just because we know his back story and how much he loves these women doesn't mean that he's not abusive. We make abusers and rapists out to be such big, bad, evil people that we don't realise that we can be abused and neglected and damaged by people who love us.

I'm a hypocrite. I'm not posting this on their blogs. I've given some tentative advice to the first case a couple of times, but it's always been basically ignored, so I don't see how anything more blunt would help. It would probably just piss them off. And maybe people do need encouragement and to feel bolstered in order to see the light for themselves.

Anyway. I love Sir and he loves me. I don't think I'd take a bullet for him. I won't promise to be with him forever. But I promise to try my hardest at our relationship, and I promise to make the sacrifices necessary to keep us together and happy.

Re-defining our relationship

2012-01-24T14:52:00.000Z

I've been thinking recently about re-defining our relationship. By which I mean, giving the label we give our relationship a bit more thought, not the relationship. I'm perfectly happy with the structure of the relationship we have now but I'm often struck by how it doesn't fit in with a lot of M/s relationships that I read about. Which is totally fine, and there is no right way to do things, but definitions and labels aren't totally arbitrary either.

So let's do some very basic and very vague defining of the types of relationships out there:

D/s: Dominant/submissive relationships. To be honest I use D/s as an umbrella term for all BDSM relationships, but other people use it to mean a less extreme version of M/s. So for me I would say that every Master/slave relationship is also a Dominant/submissive relationship, but not all Dominant/submissive relationships are Master/slave relationships.

M/s: Master and slave relationships. These tend to be where the slave gives herself more wholly to the Master, often with some sort of (non-legal, obviously) contract and vow. The slave has less (or no) rights and the Master is in charge all the time, not some of the time.

DD: Domestic disciple relationships. I don't read a lot of these to be honest, but often they come about when a marriage has been in trouble, and the couple use spanking to bring them closer together. The spankee may not enjoy being spanked at all, but enjoys the improvement in their closeness.

Daddy/little girl: These are characterised by the submissive woman being more needy and taken care of. The Dom is often called Daddy by the submissive.

Master/pet: Very similar to Daddy/little girl in character, except with an animal theme not a little girl. Often the pet will have certain attributes or actions that make her more like a particular animal.

Now that's a very, very rough guide to different relationships out there, and you can also be in a Daddy/little girl relationship AND an M/s relationship etc and there are variations etc and nothing is simple etc.

So anyway, I think that we act more like a traditional Master/pet relationship than a Master/slave relationship. I don't particularly like service and I'm stubborn and bossy at times. I also need a lot of attention. I am very needy and require a lot of care. I'm far more high maintenance than Sir is, and a lot of our relationship is about him looking after me rather than me serving him!

Sir's name for me from almost the beginning of our relationship (before it was explicitly D/s) has been Bunny, which is clearly an animal name. I have many cute mannerisms and often make little noises. I'm playful and a bit cheeky. I often act like the little red female squirrel in Sword in the Stone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOig0_3b144&list=FLaqvwRArtXEUd0d5zedDIxw&index=1&feature=plpp_video

However, while we act more like a Master/pet relationship, I think that the foundations of our relationship are still Master/slave. When I think of the possibility of *officially* re-defining our relationship to Master/pet as opposed to Master/slave it makes me feel sad and scared. Being a slave gives me a sense of security and belonging. We do whatever Sir wants to do, and he has the power to change our relationship how he likes. I want to do whatever Sir tells me to; I need his control. The knowledge that he has total control over me is incredibly freeing.

So while I don't think we should be too hung up over definitions, I think they're useful to think about from time to time. Ultimately I think we are right to call ourselves Master and slave, even though we superficially act more like Master and pet on a day-to-day basis.

Skirts and 'active submission'

2012-01-19T17:24:00.000Z

Sir and I do not live together at the moment, and he has not made any specific rules about the way I dress. He has bought me a couple of items of clothing in the past and we've thrown out a few that he hasn't liked, but in general he hasn't dictated what I wear. Given that we don't live together it would be a bit tedious for him to have to pick out my outfits every day, and financial constraints mean I can't exactly get rid of all my clothes and create a brand new wardrobe for him.

However, recently I have tried to conform not just to his rules but to his wishes. I have tried to be actively submissive. Even though it's not a rule, I'm trying to wear more skirts and dresses to please him, and I have bought some plain black tops and more tights to make it practical to wear them on an everyday level, not just for fancy occasions.

I would say that active submission is different to topping from the bottom. I'm being open about what I am doing and not trying to manipulate Sir to behave in a certain way. Active submission is me trying to please him beyond the rules. I would still say that following the rules is the most fundamental thing, and that it would be possible for me to go too far and focus too much on what I think he wants as opposed to what he really wants.

But I do know that Sir wants me to wear more skirts and dresses. When I am buying new clothes or thinking of what clothes to buy I tell Sir about it, and show them to him. I ask his advice on what looks good. He also encourages me to wear the skirts, because I'm used to wearing jeans and I feel a bit self-conscious that I look silly in them.

I'm so far enjoying wearing skirts on a more regular basis. I have to set off from home a little bit earlier than if I were wearing trainers, but that's not too much of a problem. Also, wearing wool tights is actually warmer than wearing jeans, so I'm not having problems with the cold weather.

I enjoy knowing that I look good for him, and hopefully over time I'll get more used to wearing skirts and dresses.

What giving pain feels like

2012-01-18T17:37:00.003Z

I would not describe myself as a sadist particularly, although I do have some sadistic tendencies and in some scenarios I am not worried about inflicting pain. The most common ways for me to inflict pain on my bunny are using nipple clamps, spanking and humiliation to inflict mental pain, although this is a slightly awkward way of phrasing it. The humiliation is not to degrade my bunny particularly, but rather to play on her pride and make her feel a bit silly or exposed, rather than trying to cause her mental anguish.

It is not directly the pain that I find appealing, but rather my bunny's willingness to take the pain for me, even when she might not want to. Ultimately my bunny does get benefit from the pain, such as her getting wet from having nipple clamps on and enjoying a spanking after the event, but often she does not particularly enjoy the pain itself. She has to talk herself into keeping the nipple clamps on, in fact.

Because my bunny does not want to actually do these things, but still does when I tell her we are going to, it means a lot to me. It shows me how much she trusts me to look after her and not damage her, how much she wants to please me by doing things I want that she might not in the short term and it creates a strong bond between us once we have gone through this together.

Pain is also enjoyable thing for me because it allows me assert my dominance and take complete control of the situation. I decide how long the pain will be inflicted for, how severely and in what way; I am the one responsible for my bunny's well being and have to be looking out for her and making sure she does not get badly hurt or damaged, so it makes me feel very Domly and as if I am not only taking what I want but also looking after my bunny at the same time.

Finally, there is a little bit of sadism there for me, I think. It mainly comes out in the mental form, where I like to see my bunny squirm when she is made to do something humiliating or uncomfortable for her. It is difficult to explain why I like this, but I enjoy watching her mind working and trying to convince herself that I will like what I see, when she is unsure, while I know that I will like it and she will be pleased afterwards, such as making her strip for me. The conflict within her head can be fun to watch when it is in a situation I am in control of and nothing bad is going to happen.

After I have inflicted pain, however, one of the best bits is reassuring my bunny afterwards. There are lots of cuddles, lots of me telling her how well she has done and how proud of her I am, and in the end we can lie there cuddling, both very content.

What taking pain for him feels like

2012-01-13T15:17:00.000Z

I want to talk a bit about what scening feels like for me. I call it 'taking pain for him' in the title because I think that sums up a lot of the appeal for me. I don't get off on him hurting me - I don't become aroused by the dentist's or getting an injection. I get off on taking pain for him - trusting him with that level of vulnerability. And in my case, it's very specifically for him. I don't want any Dom or Domme to touch me like that; I don't want to be dominated, I want him to dominate me. I don't even want The Woman to beat me (UK Sherlock fans!).

Let's start with what a beating feels like for me, either by his hand or the paddle. It's no secret between us that I really enjoy taking pain for him, but usually when I know it's immediately coming I'm nervous and I make jokes to try to distract myself from the obvious power dynamic. I'm not that nervous about the pain yet, but about the acknowledgement that I really am that vulnerable to him that I will let him beat me.

I'm usually ordered onto the bed, on all fours. My head is down so I can't see him or what he's doing. I tend to clutch the pillow or the duvet, but when I can I will hold his hand. When he hits me it hurts. I squirm and I wriggle and sometimes I moan from the pain. When he spanks me with his hand, it's more of a thud; the pain lasts longer but it's not sharp. When he uses the paddle, it's more of a sting; the initial pain is really sharp but it's over as soon as it began.

He often likes to tease me, alternating soft stroking with blows. He likes to see me tense up in anticipation and then humiliate me by just lightly touching me. I do not know when or where the next blow is going to come. A large part of the fun for him is the mindfuck. I am totally at his mercy and the lack of pattern means I am always alert.

Being beaten is hugely intimate. I am exposed; totally naked on the bed and on all fours; admitting my neediness to him; taking pain for him. The beating is never hurried or violent, each blow is deliberate. There is no anger in his actions at all; I know that he finds the experience just as pleasurable as I do. Yet it is all over in 10 minutes or so.

Taking the nipple clamps is a more regular occurrence for us. They have the definite advantage of being silent. We often use them before sex to get me wet, so they tend not to be a scene by themselves, but a sort of mini one before sex.

I am made to get the nipple clamps, and usually it takes a little while to find them. He then has me straddle him, and put my hair back. I reach out my hand and make some sort of contact with his skin, and close my eyes. We make sure that my nipples are nice and hard, and he very slowly applies one clamp at a time. I squeeze him every time it feels too much. I repeat to myself over and over, 'You want this, you want this' in my head to help me cope. I breathe slowly. The nipple clamps hurt a lot more than a beating.

Once the nipple clamps are on I am told that I'm a good girl and he is proud of me. The pain lessens a bit, and we slowly move in position to have sex. I am very wet from a 2 minute ordeal. The clamps make my nipples very sensitive, so when he brushes his fingers against them it feels really good. Later on the pain really does turn to pleasure as he pulls on them. But the initial application is about taking the pain for him.

I wanted to show that for me, masochism is not about violence or extremes, but about the intimacy that it brings.

Time together

2012-01-11T18:23:00.004Z

Over the past few days we have got to spend some time together before a period of over a week apart, so that was nice. We were unable to have sex in this time unfortunately, due to my bunny being on her period and over-sensitive, and then getting a tear when we tried a few days later. We were, however, able to spend lots of time together and enjoy being in each others' company.

When my bunny arrived we cooked some dinner and ate that, before going upstairs to cuddle and watch some TV. We then went out to see some friends, and had a nice time with them, before heading back to mine. When we went to bed we tried to have sex, but then soon realised my bunny was too sensitive and had to stop, although we cuddled and I reassured my bunny that it was OK, before we went to sleep.

In the morning I got my bunny to help me with some food shopping so that I could get lots of stuff, before she did some of her work and I cooked Sunday dinner with a friend, ready for more friends to come round. That was a success and everyone seemed to have a good time. After the meal my bunny was tired so had a nap, while I stayed downstairs with my friends. They stayed a bit longer than I thought, so I was late waking my bunny up. Fortunately she was already up and had started to work. We had something to eat, and then spent the evening working, before watching some TV with my housemates.

The next day we got up early to do more work, and when my work was finished I did some reading while my bunny was working. We also had a break from work for my bunny to give me a blow job. She did a very good job, and was successful in getting me to cum pretty quickly, so I was proud of her and she was proud of herself too. Soon after this, my bunny wanted a nap, so I let her have a nap while I played a game. When I woke her up, we cuddled for a bit and then cooked a very nice meal together, which was a moussaka we had never cooked before. After we had eaten we went upstairs, and as my bunny really likes Die Hard, watched Die Hard 3.

After the film I brought my bunny to a few orgasms from touching her nipples, before we tried to have sex, but then discovered that my bunny had a minor tear so we could not have sex. We were both a bit disappointed and tried to have anal sex, but we were unable to do that either, so instead cuddled a bit before going to sleep.

The next day was our final day together, but not a lot happened apart from my bunny getting lots of work done and me helping her with proof reading, before it was soon time for her to go. All in all it was an enjoyable few days together, and lots of time was spent connecting, despite our inabilities to have sex.

Less is more?

2012-01-05T12:00:00.000Z

One reason why I'm really enjoying using nipple clamps at the moment is that they make me wet enough to have sex without having Sir need to have oral sex with me.

I'm a bit confused myself as to why that's such a turn-on for me, because I really enjoy it when he goes down on me! I don't mean that I like the nipple clamps because they get me out of an unpleasant situation at all. Sir is very skilled at pleasuring me with his tongue and very attentive to me, and when I cum I tend to cum hard from oral sex.

I guess I feel in some way that when he goes down on me it's something that is done for me, as a service to get me wet. And before nipple clamps it was a necessity; I simply could not get wet enough for sex without it.

Now that Sir doesn't have to have oral sex with me I find it a turn on when he doesn't choose to pleasure me but instead just puts the nipple clamps on. For me it seems more natural for our dynamic and the way it should be - I like him using me for his pleasure, even though I am very grateful that he cares about me enjoying it too.

I don't mean that him going down on me makes him any less dominant; I just really like the fact that now when he goes down on me it's because he wants to and chooses to rather than it's a necessity - although he never ever made it seem like a chore, and I know he does enjoy it...

I think it's linked to my fantasies about being in chastity. At the moment we don't live together and sometimes I imagine that I'm not allowed to masturbate or do anything without him being there because my sexuality should be for his pleasure only - but of course, that's just a fantasy, and it probably wouldn't work out in reality. I know that Sir doesn't have much interest in doing that because then he would feel I was only attentive to him because I wanted orgasms, which has some basis.

The whole thing is difficult to explain. I really do enjoy oral sex but I also enjoy being denied it and just used! I'm confused about my own feelings, but I guess I should be mainly grateful that we've discovered what nipple clamps can do!

December 2011 Books

2012-01-05T11:38:00.000Z

For my birthday my parents got me a Kindle. It's so easy to buy books on it, and a lot cheaper than buying paperbacks, so it's working out really well. The books I don't like I often only read for a few pages and then give up on them. With Kindle you can get a lot of classics for free or very cheaply, so I've tried out a few of them that I'd never tried before - but mostly did not like them much! I'd like to keep track of the books I'm reading on it, so here are the books I've read so far in December 2011:

Liked:

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
A Wild Sheep Chase by Haruki Murakami
1Q84 (Books 1, 2 and 3) by Haruki Murakami
Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger

Disliked:

Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen
The Mammoth Book of Erotic Confessions edited by Barbara Candy
Tess of the d'Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy
Portnoy's Complaint by Philip Roth
Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy

New Year's Eve

2012-01-04T21:18:00.002Z

New Year's Eve was a lot of fun for us this year, both because we were able to have a good time with some friends, and because it eventually led on to some very good sex in the early hours of the morning.

We began by getting the train to my house during term time, as I had to take my stuff back after the holidays. Once I had unpacked and said hello to people, we headed out to eat as I did not have much food in and thought that would be a good opportunity for us to go out. We went to a very nice little restaurant we have been to before, which does good but cheap food. Apart from my bunny not feeling that well towards the end of the meal, it was very nice food and we talked a lot about a whole range of things.

After the meal we headed off to some friends' where they were having a party. That was good fun, and although we didn't leave their flat we were able to see fireworks and generally had a good time celebrating the new year with everyone. During the party my bunny was a little bit drunk and getting a little bit bored, so we left soon after midnight and headed back to mine where we would have the place to ourselves.

When we got back we soon went to my room and undressed. We then lay under the covers cuddling and kissing and rubbing against each other until we were warm. I then went down on my bunny, making sure she was nice and wet. When she had orgasmed and was wet enough, I slid inside her and then fucked her hard. There wasn't a lot of D/s explicitly, but I felt very controlling during the sex and it was very passionate between us. Once I had cum inside my bunny we cuddled and then went to sleep.

It was a very good way to celebrate the new year all in all, both with friends and privately between the two of us. Hopefully this will be the start of a very enjoyable year together too.

Family Time

2011-12-29T22:04:00.002Z

We have been able to see quite a lot of each other in the few days after Christmas because there have been some family events that we were invited to. This has been good for us to spend more time together after we weren't able to see that much of each other at the start of the holidays, and has also been nice to see family at the same time.

On boxing day, I went round to my bunny's where her family were gathering to celebrate Christmas. When I arrived we took the dog for a walk to try to wear him out before others arrived, before shutting him out of the way as there were going to be small children present. I then got to give my bunny her present and open my presents from my bunny and her family, which were all very nice and things I wanted. Once we were done with that other people arrived at we sat down and chatted until dinner was ready. We had a very nice roast turkey dinner and then played with my bunny's nieces, watched TV, played games and talked for the rest of the evening. It was a very enjoyable day and a nice way to celebrate Christmas with my bunny's relatives.

In the morning we got up early to deal with the dog, only to find out that he had already been sorted out, so we had a relaxed breakfast and then took him for a walk. When we returned people had to leave and the little ones had to have a sleep, so we got some time to ourselves, which we made the most of. We went upstairs and were quickly cuddling and then undressing. I pulled my bunny on top of me so she was straddling me, and told her to get the nipple clamps. I put them on her pretty quickly, but she was able to take them very well. Soon she was getting very wet and I pushed my way inside her, fucking her very hard and passionately. It did not take too long before I came, but I was able to try something new during the sex, which was pulling my bunny's breasts around with the nipple clamps on, harder than I had before. She said she enjoyed it and her nipples were tender after, and I certainly enjoyed the effect of it. After the sex we cuddled and watched the DVDs I got my bunny for Christmas.

Soon it was time to get up again, however, and head to my family's gathering. When we got to my house my bunny got to open her presents from my family, before we headed to my uncle's. There were lots of people there and it was quite busy. We had some buffet food, before there were a series of games for everyone to do. As it happened, I won the games, but everyone seemed to have a good time.

When we got back I wasn't feeling that well, so we went to sleep fairly early, and then in the morning I still wasn't feeling well enough to have sex and was struggling breathing with my illness. My bunny also had to go home fairly soon after we got up, so there wasn't much time for anything else. It was a very enjoyable couple of days for both us, however, both in terms of seeing each other and family.

New Years' Resolutions 2012

2011-12-29T20:36:00.000Z

So last year's resolutions seem to have worked pretty well, so I'll do some more for 2012.

1. Be more consistent with going to the gym.

Obviously I can't go to the gym when I'm home from university, but when I am at university I should make an effort to get into a regular habit. I should go twice a week but make it the same two days every week. As an aim, I'll say I should be able to cycle 20km by the end of the year in a gym session. This will require consistency.

2. Eat more varied food.

This year I am having to cook for myself. At the start of the year I didn't have the correct kitchen equipment, but now that I do I should make an effort to do more than just pasta.

3. Be more obedient to Sir.

This is a big one for me. We recently had a discussion about control and decided once again to put in punishment systems. Previously this had worked quite well for changing my behaviour, but I wasn't particularly pleasant about it. I would often argue against punishments or try to dictate them. I know now that control goes both ways - I need to prove that I do want Sir's control and not fight it. Particularly given that we don't live together, for Sir to feel able to have a punishment dynamic, I need to be accepting of it and the consequences.

4. Go to bed at a reasonable time.

When I'm not at university, I have to be in bed by 11.15 and have lights out at midnight. Then I need to be up by 9.30am. To be honest I'm a lot better at the night time rules than the getting up rules, but without them I have a tendency of staying up until 2am for no good reason. Sir thinks that having these rules during term time is a bit complicated as things change from day to day, but I think a good resolution would be to have lights out at midnight unless I am with Sir or friends.

Those are my resolutions for 2012!

How did I do with my New Years' Resolutions 2011?

2011-12-29T13:43:00.000Z

Last year was the first time I actually did New Years' Resolutions. I haven't thought of any more for this year yet, but let's see how successful I was last year.

1) To go to the gym twice a week.

I think I've done fairly well on this resolution in the year as a whole. The past term I was annoyingly sick with various colds so couldn't go to the gym much. When I'm off from university I play squash as much as my dad wants to. I need to do better on being more consistent with this.

2) To get a headstart on my reading each week rather than letting it linger.

I have done this very successfully; in the past term I have actually done more reading than usual.

3) Doing comprehensive notes with my exams in mind rather than just writing snippets for the essay.

I have done this fairly successfully but I will need to make extra notes as well. There just isn't enough time in the week to get all the notes done for the exam and do a decent essay, but I think I've done well on maintaining a balance.

4) Spending more time editing the essays.

I have done this very successfully.

5) Reading more of the news on the Guardian rather than just flicking straight to the Life and Style section, or figuring out how to get the Today Show on Radio 4 on my laptop.

I've failed to use the Guardian for anything but the Life and Style section, but I do listen to the news every day on iPlayer. This has worked really well.

6) Go out more with friends.

This was kind of a failed resolution in that I'm not 'going out' with friends to clubs or anything, but that's because that's really not the kind of thing I enjoy. I have seen more of my friends in the evenings, partly helped by where I'm living now, so I'm happy with that.

So overall I think I've done very well with my New Years' Resolutions of 2011. This was partly helped by my new technique of making a list of things to do for myself every day. It sounds like a simple thing, but for me it helped me feel productive and not swamped by things. I need to be more consistent with the gym, but other than that I've achieved a good balance.

Now I'll think of some more for 2012!

Plans

2011-12-21T22:06:00.003Z

Tomorrow night we might get a chance to have the house to ourselves, so I have been thinking about what we can do in that time. I have come up with some ideas, but I don't know exactly what we will do until the evening, when I will go with what I feel like doing.

I will start off with a spanking to get my bunny warmed up and into a submissive mindset. This is something we are unable to do when other people are around, so seems like the obvious thing to start with.

After that, I have thought about tying my bunny up. I would bind her hands and feet together and blindfold her. I would then proceed to tease her sexually by touching her but then moving away, getting her nice and horny. Then I would do some tickle torture to her, at which point she would normally try to stop me from tickling her, so I would then be able to overpower her, which is something I enjoy doing in a sexual setting.

Another idea I have had is based more on humiliation. I would have got my bunny to strip for me before the spanking, and then afterwards inspected her to see what the spanking had done and generally look at her naked body. Then I would make a lead for her and make her walk outside my room, where theoretically anyone could come home and see her being paraded around like a dog. I would then make her kneel in front of me, telling her to show her respect for me, before making her give me a blowjob, which would inevitably lead into sex.

I do not know which of these ideas I will use, and it may turn out to be a combination of the two, or maybe other things being involved. It will depend on what I am in the mood for tomorrow, so my bunny will just have to wait and see...

Why I'm not depressed at the moment

2011-12-20T21:23:00.000Z

I know that oftentimes this blog becomes somewhat of a chronicle about depression. I find writing about it helps me. I find thinking about depression a bit depressing but I find it is really worth trying to figure out the patterns in my behaviour in order to better manage my symptoms and understand my condition.

So I have been away from university for over two weeks now. Holidays are usually big trigger times for me, and the fact that I am not currently depressed is interesting.

So why am I not depressed at the moment? What could be different about this holiday?

Firstly, I spent about the first week of it with Sir at his flat in London. I was around other people for a week, and there was a lot of stuff going on, with things planned for every day. I was both sociable and busy, if not with deadlines.

Secondly, since I've gotten back from Sir's there hasn't been much of a pause. My brother and his children came from a visit and then my parents had a dinner party. I found the people at the dinner party often boring and stupid - but people are people and I was busy.

In addition, with Christmas coming, there are a lot of future plans to see people and do things. I am not having to go too long without seeing people.

I've also been exercising a bit more lately. I played squash once with Sir in London, and since I've been back with my parents, I've played three times with my dad. Exercise is one of the best things you can do for depression.

Finally, and I think maybe more importantly, I have an important essay to write. It's a big project and I'm constantly worrying about it. I should just get on and do it. While I haven't ground to a complete halt I am often behind on it and worrying about doing myself justice. I've had a couple of nightmares about it.

I think that actually this background stress and worry is keeping me from being depressed. Because if I'm stressed I have to deal with that problem. I can't be bored and lapse into thinking about the pointlessness of life.

So I think the lessons to take away from this are to keep exercising regularly, see people as much as possible, and keep myself stressed.

That may seem a silly notion. Is stress really good for me? I would answer, yes, compared with depression. Depression is much worse. But I accept that I perhaps should be more productive in my stress so I keep it to a lower level.

This is one of the reasons that I'm leaning towards being a barrister as opposed to a solicitor. As a barrister, I'll regularly and practically on a daily basis have to argue against a hostile opposition and present my case in open court. I think this will be stressful, although I am a good public speaker and can argue well. It seems that a good option for me would be to inject small doses of stress and terror into my life to keep myself from sinking into depression.

Whatever the reason, I'm very glad that I'm not depressed at the moment and I hope that I'll be able to get through the whole of Christmas without lapsing into it once again.

A sexual person

2011-12-19T18:53:00.000Z

Sir described me recently as a 'sexual person'. Although I've forgotten the exact context, I'll explain why I fit that description.

I openly talk about and joke about sex with friends. It is not a taboo subject for me (although I don't talk much about my own personal issues) but one that is often very funny.

I have been masturbating since around the age of 10 regularly, although for the first few years I would not have defined it as such.

I see sex as an important and natural part of our relationship that pervades everything. By this I don't just mean sexual intercourse, but 'sex' as in 'eros'. Eros is the Greek term for the sexual type of love, as distinct from the love you feel for your parents or your friends. It's very clear to me that a key basis of our relationship is sexual attraction.

I thus feel able and enjoy talking about sex with Sir. We regularly talk about our sex life and sex in general, and it isn't something reserved for the actual act alone.

I am a very tactile person. I love to be touched and cuddled and held by Sir. I don't feel that Sir touching me is always him trying to persuade me to have sex with him (although it sometimes is). I enjoy physical closeness.

Although I do have some body image problems, I enjoy being naked and don't mind Sir seeing me naked at all. I also like seeing him naked!

I also very much enjoy sex itself. I have a high sex drive and am quite happy to have sex multiple times a week, although I'm less concerned with the actual number. Sir wants to have sex when we live together about once a day, which I would be happy with mentally, but I'm not sure I'll be physically able to.

I think the above list could in fact be said of many people. I don't view myself as being in a superior relationship because we have a lot of sex or that I have a high sex drive. Those are very personal things and it isn't a contest. I do however feel that our mutual attitude towards sex and attraction is a healthy one: that it is something not to be ashamed of, something to be talked about frequently and not to be confined to intercourse alone.

Highlights of the past week

2011-12-16T22:00:00.003Z

As I mentioned in my previous post, we were able to spend over a week together recently, and that was very nice to get to spend so much time together. There were a few particular highlights to the week, however.

Firstly, we celebrated our third anniversary of being together during the week. Neither of us have a lot of money at the moment, so there were no big presents or anything like that, but we instead celebrated by cooking a meal together. This was a really nice way to spend some time together and we managed to get the kitchen to ourselves for quite a lot of it, so that was good. We cooked stuffed mushrooms for the main meal and made a pecan pie for dessert, which was delicious if a little bit sickly. We then ate the meal while watching Toy Story 2, and this made for a very enjoyable evening.

Another highlight of the week was the sex scene my bunny has talked about recently. I started off by making my bunny give me a blowjob, which because it felt so good lasted longer than I normally make my bunny continue for. Before I got to the point where I was going to cum I stopped her, and put the nipple clamps on her. This was partly because I enjoy making her take the nipple clamps for me and seeing how willing she is to serve me, but also because I was very turned on and this is the quickest way we have found to get my bunny wet. As predicted, she was soon wet enough for sex so I fucked her, which did not last long but felt pretty passionate. After the sex was over we cuddled for quite a while before going to sleep, making it both a passionate and romantic moment.

The final highlight of the week was one evening when my bunny met me after I had a class. She had been doing some Christmas and clothes shopping, but when she was finished we went to a toy shop and spent quite a long time looking at all the toys they had. We then went to a fish and chip shop and had a nice meal there, before heading over to a friends for a birthday party. During the party my bunny felt neglected and was upset by my behaviour, but we talked about that afterwards. Up until that point, however, it was a very enjoyable evening and another time when we were able to spend some good time together alone.

I enjoyed the whole week together, even if there were a few problems with my bunny feeling neglected, and there were a number of things we did that I really enjoyed. These are just a few of the things that particularly stand out to me.

Problems with sexuality

2011-12-16T11:56:00.000Z

My ongoing issues with my sexuality have been alluded to many times. I suppose the best thing would be to try to write about them in order to make sense of it a bit more.

I met Sir when we were teenagers. He was the first person I have ever kissed, had a relationship and had sex with. We have been together for three years now, and intend to remain that way as long as we both shall live.

I am very attracted (obviously) to Sir. I know that I am physically and sexually attracted to men, but I am also attracted to women in some way. I say 'in some way' because I don't know or understand the full nature of my attraction.

This bisexual side is a side of me which I cannot explore without severe repercussions for our relationship. Sir and I are monogamous, but we also feel that sex between us is special and unique. It is important to us that we are each others' only lovers.

My physical attraction to men usually comes about once I am attracted to them as a person. I can appreciate that a man is stereotypically attractive, but I don't lust after them until I am attracted to their personality.

With women, it tends to be the reverse. I find many, many women attractive simply on the basis of their looks. I am shamefully quite misogynistic in my tastes. I care mainly about the looks and knowing about the woman's personality and interests is actually a turn-off usually.

I'm also not sure how I feel about pussy. This is a strange thing to say, given that I am so attracted to breasts, but I'm not sure if I would like to touch and lick a woman in that place. Which I guess is kind of crucial to being sexually attracted to women.

I'm also not sure if I could be in a relationship with a woman beyond sex. I don't feel the same way about female dominance as I do about male dominance, and given that D/s is such a big part of my life, I'm not sure that would gel well.

The answer to all of these issues is, of course, I can't do anything about them because I'm with Sir, and I want to carry on being with Sir, so they can't be resolved.

I still feel like there is this side of me which I don't know much about, and that vexes me sometimes.

These issues with sexuality came to a head the other night at a ball I was at with a few of my female friends and not Sir.

Currently in my group of friends there is a bit of friendly teasing going on with women sort of coming on to one another. I don't think any of this flirting has led to actual sex, but it has led to kissing and giggling and a physical intimacy which made me feel a bit left out (why did no-one come on to me?) and unattractive and also horny.

Sir pointed out that I was probably not flirted with because they knew I was with him and they didn't want to put me in an awkward position. I guess this is a case of 'be careful what you wish for' because at the ball one of my friends, who I am physically attracted to as well as liking her personality (unusual for me) came onto me. I didn't discourage her, but I did text Sir to ask whether it was okay to do stuff with her. He said it wasn't, and I didn't. He was pleased with me for asking and not doing anything.

Honestly, had he said it was okay I don't know what I would have done. I think had I made the choice to do stuff with my friend I would have enjoyed it and found it exciting at the time, but afterwards regretted it.

In any case, my actions somewhat opened the floodgates and for a time this friend continued to flirt with me. Now we've gone our separate ways for holidays these exchanges have stopped.

Now, my confusion doesn't come from any problem I'm having with Sir. I know that I'm not gay, I know that I'm sexually aroused by him and I know that I find having sex with a man satisfying. I definitely don't love this friend of mine or anything like that.

I wish I hadn't encouraged the flirting, and I know now that it came more from a place of feeling left out than a place of lust.

All in all, I know that ultimately I will just have to come to accept that I will never really get to probe that part of my sexuality, because the risks to my relationship with Sir are just too great. I value this relationship far more than any passionate little fling.

Missing Her

2011-12-15T21:09:00.004Z

We have just spent a lot of time together, which we rarely get to do and is one reason we have not been blogging lately. We had ups and downs, but overall it was a really good week or so and I think we both had a very nice time. Unfortunately, it has now seemed quite hard to go our separate ways and I am missing my bunny, even though she isn't far away.

We had a couple of problems with my bunny feeling neglected during the week, but once I was aware of this I think we were able to work through them quite successfully, and as a result we had quite a strong connection towards the end of the week. There were also some problems with sex at the beginning of the week, with my bunny feeling uncomfortable and being unable to have sex properly for a few days as a result. We also managed to sort this out by the end of the week, which probably was a contributing factor in us having a strong connection at the end of the week.

It was particularly nice to just be able to spend a lot of time together, as we do not get to do this often. Having my bunny there waiting when I got home, and always cooking and eating with her were two things that stand out as being especially nice for me. These sound fairly minor, but it gave me something to look forward to when I got home and made otherwise boring things seem more fun. The problem with getting to spend a lot of time together, however, is that when you can no longer be together so much it comes as more of a shock.

This shock was more because I was away the first night after my bunny left, so was unable to talk to her very much. As a result, today I have been feeling a little down and lonely, even though my bunny has been around to talk to. This is not very bad, but I am noticing myself missing my bunny more than normal. I am looking forward to when I can see my bunny again, and also I should be busier from tomorrow so that should help as well. I'm sure this feeling will not last and it may just be a bit of boredom magnifying it, but I am missing my bunny all the same.

Ode to nipple clamps

2011-12-15T21:05:00.000Z

I love them.

I'm not one of those people who can become wet just by being horny. Usually I need manual stimulation, either tongue or fingers to get me wet, and even that takes a while - and sometimes doesn't get me quite wet enough.

But I love nipple clamps that I get really, really wet almost instantly. It's incredible.

I love it when Sir puts them on. The anticipation and the sense of trust. I hold on to Sir when he does it and just think over and over to myself that this is what I want.

It really does hurt. I guess different types of clamps hurt less or more, but we have clover clamps and I have small nipples so they hurt a lot. It took quite a bit of training and practice for me to be able to take them so quickly.

Once they're on it continues to hurt. The pain doesn't go away but it becomes a lot more manageable. And the nipples are sensitive. They're sensitive to the pain of him pulling on the clamps but also to the pleasure of the sensation of fingers stroking across them. The sensation of both the pain and the pleasure happening at once makes me moan.

One time over the holidays I gave Sir a really long blowjob. At one point I thought he might even come from it (a rare event) but it was not to be. So instead of going down on me he quickly put the nipple clamps on. I was ridiculously wet immediately and practically forced him inside of me when I straddled him, and we fucked with me wearing the nipple clamps. I was very content afterwards with my hour or so of serving my Master.

Now that I have been trained to take the nipple clamps very quickly, they are used a lot more in our sessions, which is fantastic.

Things I'd like to do

2011-12-03T20:57:00.000Z

Tomorrow I leave university for the Christmas break. I'm obviously sad to leave my friends and the day-to-day life here, but I'm looking forward to spending the next week or so with Sir at his place. For most of the time he will have classes and lectures every day, but I'll be busy writing my project and doing a bit of revision.

What else will we get up to? Well, obviously it's not for me to decide, but I have a rough idea of things I would like to do. In fact, the other day, while I was waiting for an event to start, we sent back and forth a few explicit text messages about things we'd like to do once I'm here.

1. I would like to take the nipples clamps for Sir again. Being made to strip for him, kneel in front of him and have him put them on was such an erotic experience for me. And sucking his cock while he lightly pulled on them or brushed against the nipples with the tips of his fingers was moan-inducing.

2. I want to be tied up and tickled. It gives me such a sense of total surrender and powerlessness, as well as being very fun for us both.

3. I'd like to have plugs or headphones on my ears, a blindfold covering my eyes and my hands and feet tied and then for Sir to do what he wants. Leave me there, fuck me, go down on me, whatever. I want to be afraid and exposed.

4. I want to go further in my anal training. I know I've gone back a bit in progress and I'm not relaxing as I should. It might help if we did some more work on this, generally touching the area and then moving on. I'm partly worried about being clean, and I think that's what makes it uncomfortable. Maybe if he just took it anyway I'd find it easier.

5. I want to kneel by his chair when he's working. I want to sit quietly, or be tied up, and petted occasionally, to remind me of my place.

I'm mostly looking forward to things I know will happen. I won't have seen him from last Sunday til next Monday, when usually I have a gap of Sunday til Friday, and I miss him. I want to talk to him, and cook with him, and watch TV in bed, and snuggle, and see him naked (seeing him get undressed for bed or sex is one of my favourite things), and get fucked and sleep next to him, and kiss him in the morning. If I get those things I'll be pretty happy too.

Looking Forward

2011-11-30T16:58:00.002Z

It is nearing the end of term for us, and my bunny has in fact already finished, so she is coming to stay with me next week. I am really looking forward to that, as it is always nice to live with my bunny for a while as if we are living together permanently, particularly as we spend most of our time apart normally.

Apart from it just being nice to spend a lot of time with my bunny, more of which can be just the two of us than normal, there are also more opportunities this represents. It will be our third anniversary of being together during that week, so we are going to cook a nice meal together to celebrate. Also, there should be more opportunity for scening and lots of sex, as I will be around to deal with the after-effects of that and look after my bunny more than usual.

I am also looking forward to being able to reassure my bunny properly. Recently she has had some propositions from female friends to have sex with her, despite they know she is with me. My bunny did play some role in encouraging them, as this has been going on amongst the other women for a while, but my bunny had been feeling left out and pointed out to them that she had not been asked. They said this was because my bunny is with me, but my bunny was worried that they did not find her sexually attractive like other women. My bunny also is curious about her attraction towards female, having not had the chance to properly explore this, and has been struggling a bit with her sexual identity as a result. This meant it was making my bunny feel a bit down that she was being left out, which I fully understand, so I did not mind and allowed her to continue.

I still do not mind, and even though she could have done more to avoid this situation, I do not blame her for it either. What is important to me is how she has been reacting to these propositions, and she has done very well. Each time she has said no, because she loves me and she does not want to put what we have in any danger. Other people have told her not to tell me and generally tried to encourage her to have sex with these women, albeit in a light-hearted manner, but she has done very well to be loyal to me and tell them all no.

My bunny is a bit worried that I am disappointed in her, but even though she could have done more to avoid it, I understand her reasons for doing it and she has acted exactly as I would want her to since the propositions started, so I could not really ask for any more from her than that.

Low

2011-11-24T10:55:00.000Z

For the past week or so I've had insomnia, which is very, very rare for me. Being really tired yet unable to sleep is incredibly irritating. If I were wide awake I could at least get on with some work, but I'm just laying there for hours. I guess that has probably contributed to my low mood, but this weekend I'm at Sir's and I always sleep well in his large bed, with him next to me.

Seeing new pictures of myself on Facebook or anywhere else for that matter always makes me upset, but last night more than ever. Not everyone can be beautiful, and I don't believe Sir when he says I am. The solution of course is to be happy that he does think so, and also to not think that being beautiful is important. Hard to remember when I get into a state.

I was going to say more about the weekend and so on, but I don't have a lot of energy. Besides, Sir has already talked quite a lot about what we were up to. I had a very nice weekend but I think the new decade has also contributed to my feeling low.

Only one more week of term work to go. Then it will be college Christmas, then staying with Sir for a while. And then actual Christmas!

Better Sex

2011-11-23T15:15:00.002Z

In recent posts I have found myself saying that the sex we have been having was pretty normal for us. That is not to say that it has been bad, just that we have got ourselves into a routine and become less spontaneous. My bunny had also commented that she was getting a bit bored of doing the same things each time we had sex, so I made sure I made a better effort to make our sex a bit more interesting this weekend. It was also my bunny's birthday celebrations over this weekend, so it was good to give her better sex during that time.

When I first arrived we had to go shopping and my bunny was feeling a bit guilty for requesting to kiss a girl the previous night, which I had said no to. I reassured her that I didn't mind and that asking was OK, before taking her onto my lap. We then started to kiss and cuddle, before I took off her top and bra. I then told her to go and get the nipple clamps for me.

When she came back with them, I made her stand in front of me and removed her jeans and panties, before sitting on my lap again. I then put the nipple clamps on her, which she took very well, before making her kneel in front of me. I then undressed and she gave me a blow job, before I pulled her up to climb onto me. We then had some intimate sex, with lots of holding each other, before I removed the nipple clamps and then fucked her harder. My bunny was very wet after wearing the nipple clamps, so we had some very good sex that lasted for quite a while. After we were both finished we cuddled for quite a while, and then my bunny had a nap after a bit of lunch.

We then had a relatively normal afternoon, with me getting some work done and my bunny napping and going to a rehearsal. When she returned we cooked some dinner and ate that, before getting a bit more work done and heading off to see friends. We were then both pretty tired having not got a great deal of sleep the previous night, so we went to bed quite early, watching some TV together in bed before going to sleep.

We had to get up reasonably early in the morning, so there was no time for sex. We headed out to meet up with my bunny's family and celebrate her birthday. It was good to see everyone and we had a very nice meal together in a local pub. After the meal we headed back to my bunny's while her family went home.

When we got back I still had work to do, and so did my bunny, so we got on with that. We finished it with plenty of time before I had to leave, however, so we were able to use the nipple clamps again. This time I got my bunny to straddle me while I lay on the bed, and then put the nipple clamps on her. She was able to take them quite easily again, so this time I tugged on them a bit and twisted her nipples with them. Soon she was very wet again, which led to some very good sex, all the time with the nipple clamps still on, which I don't think we have done before.

After the sex we had a nice long cuddle, but then my bunny started to get some minor sub drop, so I cuddled her some more and made her some soup. We also watched some TV, and then she started to feel a bit better, so was eventually able to walk with me when it was time for me to go.

So to summarise, using the nipple clamps a lot more has made our sex a lot more interesting, so we will have to try our best to utilise them and some of other toys more in the coming weeks.

Some observations on D/s infidelity

2011-11-17T21:44:00.001Z

I have already said on many occasions that I consider people going outside their vanilla marriage or relationship to have a D/s relationship without the knowledge or consent of their partner, even if it's online, to be morally wrong. I want to make it clear that I have no problem with people who do this with their partner's consent.

(Having said this, I feel a bit bad for poly people - are you offending that I feel the need to make this disclaimer? It's obvious to me that these are two very different situations in any case)

My observations on these sorts of people are therefore based on a very small sample base. Whenever I find out that a D/s couple are in fact having an affair with one another I stop reading their blog. However, even in this small sample, I've been surprised by what I've found.

I assumed that two people having an affair would use the excuse of intense passion and love taking over their rationality. I thought the descriptions would be of something bigger than themselves which swept them away. Now, I still think such excuses are bullshit, but that is not what D/s affair bloggers seem to talk of.

Instead, one often has the impression of a poly relationship, in that they try to work through issues with their lover and want the relationship to grow over time. It is a real love relationship to them, as is the one with their husband/wife/significant other.

As cheap as the 'I was swept away' excuses sound to me, the working on the cheating relationship comments make me feel far worse. This is not a one-time thing for these people. This is a real emotional involvement.

There is a conspicuous, gaping, huge lack of guilt in the blog. In fact, in one entry I read, the Dom complimented his sub on being a wonderful wife to another man, without irony. In what way? In that she does his laundry, cooks his meals, still has sex with him? She's in love with another man and deceiving her husband! That is surely the most fundamental awful thing one can do to the sanctity of marriage.In another entry I read, a woman complained about young teenage mothers not setting a good example. The irony of such a statement astounds me. Teenage mothers need support and help, and made one small mistake which everyone can make. This woman is making a conscious choice, every day, to defile her marriage.

There's a lot of worry about people potentially finding out, of course. But there is no guilt. They do not want to leave their husbands/wives for one another, and that is very clear. As long as no one finds out, no one is hurt.

The reason I have been able to make these observations is that people are not immediately upfront about the nature of their relationship. Sometimes I'll be reading a blog for a little bit, and then find that all the interactions are happening online and they've never met in person. This is not deception, although I do find it a little odd. But one can be reading a blog for a long time and not realise that this person is married, and the husband/wife does not know about the D/s relationship.

People comment on these blogs and give encouragement. Is it because they haven't realised that this is an affair, not a real relationship? Given what I've just said, perhaps. But also, I think that people in the D/s community look upon D/s as a sacred thing that cannot be sacrificed. People have strong D/s needs to be met, and we shouldn't judge other people.

As a very liberal person politically, I am all for understanding the reasons behind why people are doing something and fixing it. There's no point slapping on huge sentences for paedophiles if we do not fix our understanding of why people are drawn to that activity. But understanding does not mean lack of judgement. If we couldn't judge people unless we had directly experienced what they had gone through, we could not send people to prison for murder.

The idea of D/s being too great a thing to sacrifice is absurd. If D/s is that important to you, you leave your vanilla relationship and stop deceiving a perfectly good person who happens not to share your proclivities. Or you fix the relationship, or learn to live with it.

I think there is a spectrum of things we can settle on. On one end, there are things like sexual orientation. Most people could not be happy in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex if they were gay, for example. However, even in such an extreme and non-negotiable case as sexual orientation, some people do manage to have happy marriages despite this, because they value the companionship or something else over that particular need.

On the other end are things like annoying habits. Your partner might really annoy you by not tidying up after himself. This is rather minor compared to be a different gender than you would like, but for some people they simply cannot be happy and settle with a person who annoys them with that particular habit. This again is perfectly fine.

D/s I think is somewhere between the two, although for most people, more towards the 'sexual orientation' end than the annoying habit end. But even within D/s I'm afraid you still have to settle. No one ever gets exactly what they want. I, for example, want a more spontaneous sex life. But I'm with someone who is not particularly spontaneous. I'm willing to deal with that because other things are more important to me.

What I want for the future

2011-11-17T21:21:00.002Z

In our current situation we are limited with what we are able to do as far as D/s aspects of our relationship. We do not live together and live with other people some of the time, and our families the rest of the time, so there are some obvious logistical problems. There are things I would want to be different when we finally do live together and are able to do exactly what we want.

I would like to be able to enforce rules more strictly and introduce some others. I would make my bunny say her mantra to me every morning, while kneeling in front of me, reinforcing that she belongs to me before we go about our days. I would make her ask to masturbate all the time rather than just before she goes to bed, as is the case now. I would control more when she goes to bed and also make sure she gets up at an appropriate time. I may even start to micromanage her more, such as deciding what she wears, details about her make-up etc, but I do not know if I would like to do that on a permanent basis until it has been tried.

I would like to carry out more scening. I enjoy spanking my bunny, but because people are normally around us and would hear if I spanked her, we are not normally able to do that at the moment. I would also use more of our toys more often, as even though some of these are possible now, there are logistical problems with the reactions my bunny can have after a scene, which means it can be difficult to find a suitable time in our current situation. She is sometimes left unable to talk for quite a while, some scenes can be particularly powerful and leave in tears, and there is also the problem of her wanting to let her pain out verbally sometimes with toys such as the nipple clamps, all of which could be potentially awkward when there are other people around as there are at the moment.

I would like to have sex more often. This would probably be once a day or so, but would depend on when I wanted to have sex. I look forward to having my bunny around all the time and to myself, so I can use her whenever I want. Also, there could be different types of sex more often, and I would particularly want to work on anal training for my bunny. At the moment it is difficult to do this as there are long breaks between when we have anal sex, so any progress made can be easily lost. If we are having sex every day, however, there will be steady progress that can be made.

These are the main things that I feel I want for the future at the moment, but there may well be other things I want that I only really realise when we are living together and I have the opportunity to make them happen.

Say nice things

2011-11-10T17:56:00.000Z

When I'm feeling a bit sad I often ask Sir to 'say nice things' (often in fact spelled 'fings'). Basically, I want to be looked after and told how wonderful I am. This happens fairly regularly, so now Sir reels off the same list every time.

So I will say nice things about him now, even though he's feeling fine! Is it because I'm nice? Or is it because I can't think of anything to blog about? Let's be generous and assume it's both!

1. Sir is very kind to me. He looks after me and is genuinely interested in my hopes and fears and aspirations. He will comfort me when I am sad, he will support me when I have problems and he will always look after me.

2. Sir is extremely intelligent, both academically and in terms of common sense. He is knowledgeable about the world around him and good to argue with. He was basically the reason I got an A at Maths A Level.

3. Sir works very hard for what he gets. He is determined to succeed and does what is necessary to get there without moaning about it. He also cares about what he's doing so wants to put the most effort in to do himself justice.

4. Sir is stable and calm. He is level-headed in a crisis and isn't easily angered or irritated. He takes things in his stride and thinks sensibly about problems and how to handle them. This has been particularly helpful in my problems with depression.

5. The body. The sex. The cuddles. The scening. The orgasms. The passion. The tenderness. The intimacy.

Ill

2011-11-09T17:01:00.003Z

We have both been ill recently but my bunny was unwell before I was and has probably given it to me. This meant that my bunny wanted to be looked after over the weekend. I was, however, not feeling that great myself, so I wasn't always as willing as I am normally.

This is not to say that I did not look after my bunny. I enjoy looking after her as it fits in very well with our dynamic. When I am responsible for her welfare it gives me a sense of power and control over her, as she is relying on me to some extent. It is also nice to be able to treat her and spoil her a bit from time to time, and make here really feel loved.

When I am ill at the same time, however, that can drain some of my energy so that I do not have as much to put into looking after my bunny. This was the case this weekend, and I had failed to communicate that I wasn't feeling very well to my bunny, so she felt a bit neglected. We were able to sort this out once she mentioned it, and I then managed to do a bit better job of looking after her, such as bringing her tea in bed.

We were still able to have a good weekend despite being ill and having lots of work to do, spending plenty of time together and having sex a couple of times, although there was nothing particularly different about that from how it is normally for us. We are now both getting better though, so hopefully this weekend will be a bit better with both of us having more energy.

Sir's ultimate fantasy

2011-11-04T10:15:00.000Z

I think that Sir's ultimate fantasy would be for me to be totally helpless and he'd have to look after me all the time. For me to be completely dependent and needy and reliant on his care. And for him to take advantage of my helplessness every so often by using me for sex. Being in total control and being totally needed.

I don't think his ultimate fantasy would revolve around pain or even humiliation, both of which we enjoy. They're just ways in which I demonstrate that I trust him with having power over me. If I were helpless and isolated that wouldn't be needed as much.

I think that Sir kind of likes it when I'm ill, as I am at the moment. Not the 'being ill' part, of me feeling a bit rubbish and coughing a lot and being grumpy, but the fact that I am vulnerable and need looking after.

It's similar with the drunk thing. Now, from the blog posts, you'd be forgiven for thinking that a lot of times when we see each other, either I get blind drunk or Sir forces me to drink quite a lot of alcohol so I'm unaware of what I'm doing and takes advantage of me.

This isn't true. I am 5'1' and weigh about 100 pounds. I very rarely drink, so when it only takes 2 units to get me tipsy. Then I don't drink any more alcohol. I don't slur my words, I can stand up and walk, I remember what happens, I don't throw up and I'm not hungover. I'm just a bit giggly and a bit less in control of myself, which Sir likes. These occasions are not threats to my health or sanity.

I'm not very ill, I just have a bit of a cold which is dragging on. I've not had a cold in two years, but I have had lots of cystitis, two kidney infections and adult chickenpox, so this is no big deal at all! Just a bit irritating. But I will gladly be taken care of anyhow ;)

Quiet

2011-11-02T17:14:00.002Z

Things have been a bit quiet lately, with both of us having lots of work to do and quite a few other things going on to occupy our time. Hopefully we will be able to have a bit more time to spend together over the next few days.

We did get to spend quite a long weekend together, although this was often around other people too. I arrived at my bunny very late as I had work to do before I went to see her, but then we had nearly two full days together rather than the just over one we had last weekend.

Once I arrived at my bunny's I was pretty tired and didn't want to do much, so we just watched some TV before cuddling and going to sleep. In the morning I had more energy, however, so we had sex. It was pretty normal sex for us, except it didn't last very long as I was obviously feeling particularly horny. After that we got up and showered together, before doing some work until lunch. After lunch my bunny had to go and queue for some tickets and do some work, so I was left alone to get on with my work, which took us up to dinner. When my bunny got back we then cooked together and ate dinner, before meeting up with friends to watch some TV and a film, which was quite fun, particularly as one friend was very drunk and being quite amusing. The film finished quite late, so we went to bed after that. Even though my bunny was drunk and that is a turn on for me, I was very tired so we didn't have sex before we went to sleep.

In the morning we had sex similarly to the previous day, before getting up and showering together again. We then had to go out to a family event, so there was no time to do anything else such as more work. It was a very enjoyable event however, where we had a lovely meal and generally spent time with family and friends. We then got a taxi back to my bunny's but it was soon time for me to pack up my things and head home.

Since I left my bunny's I have been very busy with lots of work and social events going on, so I have not been able to spend a lot of time talking to my bunny. This should change from now however, with things getting a bit quieter, so hopefully there will be a improvement. I am also looking forward to my bunny coming to visit, when hopefully we get more time alone together.

Husband

2011-10-28T21:55:00.000+01:00

When people say they don't want to get married, often they're actually talking about two separate things.

The first is that they don't want the content of a marriage. They do not want to make that sort of commitment ever or they feel that the idea of committing to one person for life is unrealistic, and all we can do is take each day as it comes.

The second is that they don't want/need the label of marriage. They don't need a wedding to prove their love, they don't like the state getting involved in people's love lives or they don't like the gender roles that often come with it.

Now both of these are valid opinions, but clearly very different ones. I wish that when people talk about not wanting to be married in articles they would clarify which one it is.

For me, it's the second one. Sir and I probably will get married but to be honest that time of committing fully to one another has come and gone. It wasn't a momentous occasion either, but something that built up over time.

Of course, when we made that lifelong commitment to one another on a personal level, we were both very young and didn't live together and so our families would have greatly objected to our marriage. And perhaps quite rightly. Given the pressures that living together comes with and the headache and social stigma of divorce, it makes sense to be really sure about this.

I want to be married because it will show to everyone else that we love each other and are our own family. I want to combine our names to show this (we would combine as opposed to one taking the other's name or keeping our original names). I want to be married because of the legal implications - particularly if children are involved.

As a side note, it really bugs me when people put off getting married when they're already in love and have a kid because they want to save up for a great wedding. This is not from a moral point of view. The law is really, really not good for unmarried fathers or mothers needing support. If you split up, the father has a much reduced chance of getting a favourable custody agreement, and the mother (assuming the mother earns less) could have a much reduced chance of getting the financial support needed. Both the custody and finance issues will probably take longer to resolve.

Now, not to be too harsh on unmarried parents: most of you probably don't know this. The law is pretty murky. You are probably ignorant as opposed to stupid. And yes, for most of you, you will get married or you just won't split up, so this won't be a problem. But for all of you in this situation I would urge you to just get legally married as soon as possible and then do whatever you like with your weddings after.

What was I saying?

Ah yes. I would get married because it would give us more legal security and it would show other people that Sir and I love each other. I would also like to get married - well, engaged - because it's romantic. The engagement probably would be the most romantic occasion of my life and that makes me excited. That's clearly not a good enough reason to get married on its own, but I am looking for that sappy moment I'll remember forever.

Also, honeymoon. Great excuse to take a great holiday. Win.

I don't want to get married to show my commitment to Sir. I don't have to get married to prove I love him. I'm pretty sure he knows that. I'd be concerned if he wanted the wedding for that reason. The time when an engagement would have meant making a huge commitment for the future has passed. So emotionally I guess he already is my husband? It feels weird to call him my boyfriend and pretentious to call him my partner. And I'm not really feeling the metaphor of my 'other half'.

But probably calling him my husband is not the best solution to this problem.

Until we get married! Then I can use the terminology that feels right in public! But not now.

What I want

2011-10-27T11:03:00.000+01:00

This is a year in which one of my dreams could come true. Most of my ambitions are academic. I wanted to do well at GCSEs and A Levels, and I did. I wanted to get into a good sixth form and I did. I wanted to get into a certain university and I did.

For some reason, though, how I do in these end of year exams really matters to me. If I did as well as I hope to it would be a Dream Come True. It's a funny thing because actually getting into the university will make the most difference to my future employers. This exam should just be the icing on the cake. But for some reason when I think of what I want to accomplish, this is it.

What happens if I don't quite do as well as I'd wanted? Very little, to be honest. I'll be personally disappointed, but I can't really pretend it will hugely dent my career ambitions. But what happens if I achieve it? If I make this dream a reality, what then? What's the ambition then?

I broadly want to be successful and I know the type of work I want to be in. But I don't have a fixed Dream like I do for this. Maybe that's no bad thing. But I think I'll miss having the Dream to keep me going and keep me focused.

So I've been thinking about What I Want, after these exams are taken and worrying a bit that I need some clear goals. But it's occurred to me that I've already got What I Want.

I have already found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I have found someone who is strong, caring, kind, generous, smart and hardworking. I have found a level of intimacy and friendship I did not know were possible. I have found someone who is as committed to me as I am to them. I have found someone who will always be there for me. Not many people can say that at my age, or frankly at any age.

Maybe I'll be Great and Successful. I certainly hope that's the case, even though I don't know exactly what form that will take. But I have also found the person who I will go home to every night and who is far more important to me than my career.

What do I want? What would make me happiest? Living with Sir. The rest of it will probably sort itself out with a bit of hard work. And if my ambitions are never quite realised? Well, I think I'll be just fine.

The Weekend

2011-10-26T20:28:00.002+01:00

We had a shorter weekend together last weekend, but we still made the most of it, having sex twice and spending lots of time together while also seeing other people.

I was late arriving at my bunny's as my coach went a strange way and took an extra hour, so that it was lunch time by the time I got there. My bunny had quite a lot of work to do, and I also had lots, so we spent the afternoon getting as much work done as possible. We then went to eat dinner cooked by a friend, which was really good, before spending the evening with a combination of talking, watching TV and watching a film with friends. During the film my bunny also had some alcohol, so when we went back to her room she was a little bit drunk.

My bunny being drunk is always a turn on for me, as it is something we have talked about as a fantasy and actually tried out a few times. Obviously I am in control all the time, and could make my bunny do whatever I wanted, but for some reason when she is drunk there is an extra sense of power. She is no longer entirely able to make sensible decisions and would be less able to resist me if I was to force myself on her. As it is, she is more than happy to have sex, although I am always making sure I am alert and looking out for her interests even more, as she would be less able to get across to me anything that was wrong.

The next morning we tried to get up early to do more work, but promptly went back to sleep for an extra hour. When we woke up we cuddled and talked for a bit, before my bunny asked for sex, which I was more than happy to provide. It was pretty normal sex for us and once it was done we went through our normal routine of cuddling and aftercare, before my bunny was ready to get up. We then showered together, before heading out for brunch with friends. After brunch we went back to my bunny's room, where we both had more work to do before I had to go home.

We had a kiss and a cuddle before I left, but it was a weekend mainly spent working or with other people around, although just getting to spend time with my bunny is always good and it was still a very enjoyable weekend. This coming weekend I should be able to spend quite a bit more time with my bunny, so I am looking forward to that.

Disabilities rant

2011-10-22T12:01:00.000+01:00

*Trigger warning: This post will be a rant on my view of disabilities, and is quite controversial.*

People with disabilities are not 'differently-abled'.

Having a disability is a handicap. To say it isn't is patronising and moronic. Someone who is paralysed can no longer walk. Please fill me in on what other amazing ability they are given as compensation to make them 'differently-abled'.

People with disabilities are not brave.

I've done an entire post on this, but I'll say again that people with disabilities are no braver or less brave than anyone else. They aren't heroes, they aren't inspiring. They're people who have been given a crummy lot in life and in fact the rates of relationships breaking down and depression associated with disability are a great deal higher.

Your life is worse with a profound disability.

Perhaps this is not the case for all people who are physically disabled, but for those with brain damage, it is certainly true. Two of my uncles were brain damaged as adults. The first was twenty when it happened and was about to be signed to a Scottish football side. He had a girlfriend. Now he can't remember what happened yesterday and repeats himself three times to be understood. It is ridiculous to think that lives aren't profoundly affected and made worse by disability.

Your life should have more worth than being a source of inspiration to others.

Again, this links back to 'people with disabilities aren't brave'. Maybe my uncles do inspire me to not take my faculties for granted as much as other people my age, but frankly I don't think my life has been hugely changed. And even if it had been - how would that really make much of a difference to them? They're still brain damaged and their quality of life is still much reduced, no matter how 'inspirational' they are to others.

Even if you try really hard, you will probably still be disabled.

This is a similar sort of bullshit that cancer patients or people suffering from infertility hear. If you want it enough, you'll get a baby! It will happen for you! Mind over matter! And yes, your state of mind is important, but my uncle had a significant portion of his brain turned to pulp when a lamp-post crushed his car, and no amount of positive thinking will bring that back. That kind of thinking also implicitly says that if you don't get better it's your fault which isn't helpful at all.

Disability often has a huge impact on who that person is, but I would still change them.

It is better to be a person who can walk than one who cannot. It is better to be a person who can talk than one who cannot. It is better to bathe yourself than have to have others do it for you. Yes, it is worse to be disabled! It also seems fairly demeaning to define someone on the basis of their disability. In a way, everything affects us. To a certain extent, I'm sure having recurring bouts of depression has shaped my personality. Would I change that about me, even if it meant changing 'who I was'? Yes. In a heartbeat. It's also one thing to say that about a small child, but an adult who needs to be fed because they can't hold spoon is a little less cute.

Conclusion

My conclusion is that being disabled really sucks and we shouldn't be so goddamned patronising about it. I honestly don't know what I would do if I found out I was pregnant with a handicapped child. I think it would depend on what that disability was. If it were only a physical disability, I would probably keep it, but if it were brain damaged I would not. I would not want my child to suffer.

People with disabilities need a lot of support, and so do their families. Having a disabled member of your family takes up a lot of time and effort and love and most people do not have the sort of training to cope. There are a great many special needs schools which do a great job, but I think there should be a lot more community facilities put in place for adults with disabilities in order to allow them to socialise, get therapy and give their carers a break.

Both of my uncles have their mobility and mental faculties significantly impaired by brain damage. It changed their lives profoundly, and for the worse. My first uncle, however, has a pretty nice life despite this. He lives on his own with 24 hour care and regular visits to the local community centre, and has a tight-knit family in Scotland who visit him regularly. My second uncle had a lot of friends to support him, but became a serious alcoholic and died of liver damage ten years after his head injury.

You can have a good life with a disability, but with a lot of hopes and dreams scaled back. With support and love, you will probably cope a lot better. But a lot of people find living with disabilities incredibly difficult, lonely and depressing. When we talk of inspirational, brave people we turn a blind eye to the very real suffering that goes on.

How my bunny is "mysterious"

2011-10-19T19:15:00.002+01:00

My bunny has been worrying about not being mysterious enough, in her words. By this she means being sexy and alluring, as opposed to being thought of as pretty and cute, but not obviously so. She wants to be subtle in her seduction but there also to be a bigger effect when she is naked. I however disagree, as I think she already is "mysterious".

Firstly, I do find my bunny very sexy and alluring. I think she has a very nice figure, beyond just being pretty, and when I see her I know I want to have sex with her. This is particularly the case when she puts on a nice dress and makes a special effort, although the rest of the time I still think she is sexy. I still think of her as being pretty and cute, but that doesn't mean I can't think of her as being sexy and alluring at the same time. My bunny possesses many qualities of which these are only some.

One thing that my bunny could do more often perhaps, is more subtle seduction. However, this is probably mostly due to our dynamic, with me initiating things in general as I decide when we have sex etc. Also, that is not to say that my bunny cannot seduce me subtly, as she has shown before that she can do this, often through starting out by kissing me when I have not really felt in the mood, but then suddenly I want sex once she has been kissing me for a bit. This means that it is not an issue of my bunny being able to be subtle in her seduction, but instead is one of doing it more often so that she feels more confident in her abilities, which I can tell she has.

The final thing my bunny has raised through this is her being naked having a bigger effect on me. he first few times I saw her naked it was obviously very exciting. My bunny looks amazing naked, and the first few times you see something new and amazing it is always more exciting. I am probably guilty, therefore, of not being, or at least not appearing to be, so excited when my bunny is naked with me as I used to be. On the other hand, I still get hard very quickly when she is naked, and often just in anticipation, and I think I give my bunny's naked body a lot of attention, with all the main parts included. We have a lot of sex when we are together, and I like to put my bunny on top so I can see her better, all of which indicated I am still excited by seeing her naked.

This may have sounded as if I am saying my bunny is wrong, but she probably is right that there are improvements to be made. I could compliment her naked body more, and she could seduce me more for example, but the point I am trying to make in this post is that the feelings and the capabilities are there, they just need to be expressed more often, which is a lot easier improvement to make than having to develop the capabilities themselves.

I mean it this time, honestly

2011-10-18T18:04:00.000+01:00

I'm not very good at being 'nice'. In fact, most of the time I'm pretty terrible at it, because I Don't Really Care. I mean, I'm friends with who I'm friends with and we tease each other and mock each other all the time, and I tend to be friends with people who can take that sort of humour so it isn't a problem.

I guess lack of practice makes it difficult for me to express 'niceness' in my interactions with Sir.

Usually, this doesn't matter. We also tease each other and mock each other and are fairly robust so enjoy that sort of humour. However, when I try to be particularly supportive or romantic I'm not very good at communicating it effectively.

Maybe I'm being too harsh on myself. Yesterday I made a big effort to be really supportive and say that I was very proud of his efforts into internships, and I think that slightly helped. Of course, Sir is a self-confident person who knows what he wants and isn't afraid of putting in the work to get there, so without my support he would probably be just fine anyway, which kind of makes the support less valuable.

On the other hand, I seem to be quite poor at communicating that I like find x romantic. Maybe I'm not expressing myself well enough, but whenever I talk about finding his shy, geeky persona incredibly attractive and sweet I think he's just embarrassed.

As an example, this weekend I was at Sir's and the internet went down. I was a bit bored so I decided to look for the files he'd saved on me. I then realised to my surprise that he had saved quite a lot of our conversations, a lot of which I hadn't saved, and titled them with things like, 'AWWW at the end'. I had no idea that he did that.

I tried telling him that I found this very sweet and touching but I don't think he believes me, or he thinks I'm laughing at him. I find it easy to say 'I love you' or 'I'm proud of you' but it's difficult expressing specific things which I really like.

Maybe this is one of the consequences of my general unreliability of my levels of attraction and excitement about the future: he knows not to talk my hurtful comments at face-value, so why should he believe my praise? Maybe it's easier not to pay much attention to what I say given how variable it is depending on my frame of mind.

Romance

2011-10-14T12:18:00.000+01:00

When I first started going out with Sir, I was determined to remain 'hardcore' and not become sickeningly soppy. I hated it when my friends in relationships told their partners how much they loved each other on Facebook where everyone else could see it. I found most chick flicks impossibly annoying. I didn't like holding hands in public or kissing where other people could see (although our first kiss was at a party in the main hall, but that was an exceptional circumstance brought on by Sir being too nervous to kiss me).

Most of those things are still true, except I now really like holding hands in public and get annoyed when Sir doesn't want to hold my hand when my family are around.

But I have, to my extreme embarrassment, become a great fan of romance/soppiness/neediness/clinginess/Daddy little girl dynamic/whatever you want to call it.

It's not enough just to be shown that Sir loves me (which he does, of course), but I need to hear it. I regularly ask Sir to list why he loves me. I love having a pet name and gave Sir one. Snuggling and cuddling are great; sex is never just sex. I say (*cringe*) that I 'lubs' him. I like looking up wedding dresses and engagement rings. I find getting little gifts like flowers or sweets very touching. We regularly have Eskimo kisses.

Writing that list was quite humiliating. I would be appalled with myself were it not for the fact that Sir *likes* my neediness. I couldn't reveal this totally shameful side of myself ever ever again if I thought that Sir found it silly or laughable.

It's weird what love and relationships will do to you. I never thought that I would be the type of person that would become so clingy after sex that I am upset when Sir has to eventually pull out. I didn't think I would ever appreciate poetry written for me on Valentine's Day.

I've become a romantic.

How embarrassing.

Settling In

2011-10-13T16:45:00.002+01:00

We have now been back at university for a couple of weeks, and are getting settled back into our routines and finding times when we can talk to each other. It isn't always easy being in different cities and having lots of things to do individually, but we seem to do a pretty good job of making time for each other once we have got our routines worked out.

It can be fairly hectic at first, with lots of events happening and seeing friends you haven't seen over the summer, but after a while we have been able to settle down and I am now able to quite easily spend quite a lot of time with both my bunny and my friends, although maybe not quite as much time with my bunny as I would like. I think we do well at this particularly in comparison to a friend of mine who has recently entered a relationship and I now see very little of, even though I live with him.

One thing that has been missing, partly because of being busy doing our own things, but also because of the distance between us and a lack of privacy when we are together, has been some kink. Because of the powerful emotions involved with scening, there needs to be quite a lot of time set aside for a scene, so that I can ensure my bunny receives enough aftercare and does not have to see other people or do something else while she is not in the proper state of mind to do so.

Hopefully, as we continue to get used to our routines and find times when we can both give our time to each other for a longer period, we will be able to start doing a few more scenes, both when we are together and online. This isn't something that can easily be increased necessarily, but I think it would benefit both of us if we could do a few more scenes.

Self righteous silliness

2011-10-11T22:02:00.000+01:00

Even among people who rabbit on about how annoying The One True School of Slavery is, there seems to be a consensus that you have to give your Dom EVERYTHING and have NO SAFETY NET and trust him COMPLETELY or, you know, you don't really trust him in a meaningful sense and the whole D/s thing is a sham.

I think such people are self-righteous twits on the one hand and incredibly stupid on the other.

For starters, giving yourself up emotionally to another person isn't a mark of a brilliant slave. This could be said of any loving vanilla relationship. Of course in a healthy relationship you shouldn't hide who you are; but let's not pretend that sharing your feelings is the feature of slavery.

There's also the financial thing. So you gave up your job because your Dom wanted you to and now you think you have No Safety Net And So Trust Him Completely. This isn't such a big step. Every vanilla person who gives up their job to look after their kids does this as well. This isn't actually all that big a deal - a lot of other people do this as well without boasting about it.

And guess what, if and when the provider of the family does try and run off with the money - there are safety nets! There's the law! There are alimony payments and child support! And crappy though the system often is, it isn't like you've signed something that has said 'I trust my Dom so very much that I waive my future right to any alimony or child support'. So again, don't pretend to have cut away your safety net because you don't need it right now - if you do, you'd sure as hell find it was still there right beneath your feet - and you'd use it.

So yes, making yourself sound amazingly slave-like for doing pretty regular things that people do all the time in healthy relationships makes you sound like a self-righteous twit.

However, sometimes this 100% trust has a darker side.

Doesn't the phrase, 'If you REALLY trusted me, you'd do this...' give anyone else the creeps? Does anyone else get the vibe of, maybe that's potentially abusive and controlling and maybe people shouldn't have to give up various freedoms just to that they trust their partner TOTALLY AND FOREVER 100%.

Sometimes the Dom requires it of the sub that they give up their job so that the Dom knows that the sub *really* trust and needs them. Well, I don't think there's anything wrong with staying at home to bring up kids or whatever, but to give up your job and your assets just to prove a point strikes me as a very odd and creepy command.

A lot of this high-and-mighty stuff comes from idiocy; the idea that somehow, because we're in a *different* type of relationship, we *really* know what love is and so we can't get hurt.

I do not trust that Sir and I will be together in 20 years time.

I trust that Sir will put every effort into our being together. I trust that he and I will do our best.

This is all I can trust.

People change; circumstances change; relationships are goddamn hard and giving up my every aspiration just to prove that I really, honestly, seriously, do want to be with him is a fool's errand.

Does that make me not a Real Slave? If so, I don't want to be a Real Slave, because a Real Slave is a Real Moron with Real Self-Aggrandizement Issues.

Back from holiday

2011-10-06T15:46:00.000+01:00

As Sir said, the reason we've not been blogging is that we've been away on holiday for the past week and I've just gone back to university.

The holiday was really great. It was a wonderful way to reconnect and spend a lot of time together which I think we both really needed. I have a tendency to construct jam-packed timetables when we go somewhere, which we decided to scale down a bit, as it was more important to appreciate our time together than see absolutely everything.

That being said, we did see an awful lot and in particular had a lot of amazing dining experiences. Using the guide book we managed to eat really well for not all that much. The Parisian way seems to be to have very little choice on the menu but with the food delivered to you in about 2 minutes. It was really hot for late September so we were able to have a lot of meals outside.

We were able to have really nice conversations while were there with so much to chat about - although I won't go into what the conversations were about here, I would say to Sir that I really enjoyed our visit to the Near Eastern Antiquities in the Louvre and the Japanese canteen for that reason.

We also had a lot of sex. It wasn't without its hiccups - the crying incident wasn't great, but I couldn't for the life of me tell you what was wrong - but for some reason I was able to be wet and not sore even having sex every day in a row.

I still have issues with having my nipples touched. I think we're probably over-thinking this. Maybe I just for some reason have particularly sensitive nipples at the moment, and if they're feeling that way I should just tell Sir not to touch them and think nothing of it.

I miss Sir at the moment but it's been great moving into a new place and seeing everyone and I'm ridiculously busy with work. He's coming to see me tomorrow so that will be good - although we'll have to get used to sharing a single bed again.

I don't think our issues have been completely solved, but I do feel that we're moving in the right direction, which is great.

Holiday Scenes

2011-10-05T19:14:00.003+01:00

Apologies for the delay in posting, but we have been away on holiday. We went to Paris, France and had an amazing time seeing all the sights, as well as getting plenty of time alone together to reconnect.

We were away for a week, and in that time managed to get in a few scenes. The first scene we tried did not turn out to be very successful. My bunny was being elusive about having sex, as she often does when she wants to be forced to have sex. However, she also does this when she really doesn't want to have sex, so all the time I was imposing myself on her I kept checking she was OK. Each time she said yes, and seemed to be smiling quite a lot, so I carried on forcing myself on her. I was still conscious that she might not want to and might feel uncomfortable, so when we started to have sex after I had gone down on her I soon told her to go on top, so that she was no longer pinned down and appeared freer to escape. She still continued, and as I approached orgasm the sex got rougher, until I came and my bunny almost instantly burst into tears. She said it wasn't my fault and that she didn't know why she had started crying, but I reassured her and we put it down to it being quite emotional after having not scened like that for a while.

The next scene we did was when I had my bunny straddle me while naked. I then put the nipple clamps on her, so the full weight of them was also pulling on her nipples, but she took them very well. In fact, we were even able to start having sex while the nipple clamps were still on, after I had brought my bunny to orgasm by tugging on the clamps. I took the clamps on soon after we started, however, as otherwise her sensitive nipples would have got too sore.

The scene after that started off with my bunny with her gag on, but then I blindfolded her so to ensure communication lines stayed open my bunny took the gag out. I then proceeded to play around with my bunny's exposed body, with her not knowing what I was going to do next, eventually going down on her before entering her. The sex then continued for a bit with the blindfold on, before taking it off as we got closer to orgasm.

The final scene we did was after my bunny had asked for a spanking, but I had expressed my wariness of people hearing us, so as a compromise I covered my bunny with a thin duvet and then spanked her without the slapping sound. Unfortunately this was not as satisfying as the real thing, so it did not continue for very long.

It was to get the time alone to get back to some more regular scening, even if it wasn't particularly adventurous or different to what he had done before. I think that it has helped us reconnect more, and my bunny certainly seems very happy since then.

xkcd

2011-09-15T22:30:00.001+01:00

I can't think of a constructive or witty thing to say in my current frame of mind. So I'll let someone else do it for me.

Well, Sir and I are certainly more connected than that, although I would point out that 45 year olds with three kids and a husband and low self esteem who have affairs are probably more guilty of this kind of thought process and hurting people with it as opposed to teenagers.

Also, speaking of immaturity, isn't this just totally awesome?

On a more serious note, I think that the second panel is particularly prevalent to our current situation.

Our problem and a solution

2011-09-14T22:01:00.006+01:00

Lately I think it has been clear that we have been having a few problems. My bunny has found it hard to express what these are, but after a couple of good discussions about it I think we have managed to get to the bottom of it. My bunny has said that I have been annoying her more than normal and that she has not found me as attractive over the past couple of months.

The logical way to look at this, is what has been different over the past couple of months. The answer is that I have been busy with things that my bunny is not necessarily involved in, because they needed to be done, and as a consequence I have been able to see less of my bunny. Also, when I do get to see my bunny, there is nearly always someone else around, so it is difficult to participate in as much kinky activities or scening. Put this together with me being more tired because I am busy, and my bunny having some difficult things to deal with, and I think it is understandable that my bunny is feeling somewhat neglected and more distant from me, which might lead to the problems she has talked about. This also makes sense with it affecting her more than me, as I am the one who has been particularly busy with lots of things keeping me occupied.

The solution then seems relatively simple, and really involved a move back to where we were before the summer break. We need to see each other more and to get involved in more kinky activities, so we can work at getting the intimacy back into our relationship and feeling closer together.

Seeing each more will happen naturally, as soon we will be back at university where we see each other more regularly and for longer, while we also go away for a week together in just over a week. I have also encouraged my bunny to speak up if I am suggesting we go and do something when she would like to spend some time alone, to make sure that the time we spend together is giving both of us what we need.

Getting the kink started again will probably take a more conscious effort at first, as it can be easy to fall into a routine of not doing things. I began this last night, however, making my bunny wear her gag and starting to work on some worship training, where my bunny had to come with lists of things she finds attractive about me physically, my personality and the ultimate 5 things that mean she wants me rather than anyone else. It felt good to take back that type of power over her, and today I have been more successful in nagging her to do her work too, so the D/s side of things is looking up.

I think we now have a clear plan of action to try to sort things out, and it is a case of biding our time until we are able to try these things properly and see if it works. If it doesn't then we will have to think of something else, but as long as we both continue to work at our relationship I'm sure we will get there in the end.

What is love? Part 2

2011-09-13T13:41:00.000+01:00

Sir was a little confused by yesterday's post. I'll attempt to clarify here rather than edit the original, because I think the original captures my then-state of mind about things quite nicely.

I believe that you can construct your own relationships how you want. There are some caveats to that. The relationship with your family is difficult to change - although you certainly can - because there is an extent to which it's pre-determined by your position in the family. As a child, it's difficult to turn around to your parents and say, I think our relationship is poor, let's do X, Y and Z to change it.

In a romantic relationship, the partners are equals, so one partner has just as much right as the other to want to change things, and to have those feelings listened to. Also, unlike your blood relatives, there is more of a threat that if things don't change for the better, the relationship will break down. Of course, familial relationships do break down all the time, but it's taken for granted for much of our lives that however much we dislike our siblings, we would give them a kidney if they ever needed one.

So yes, I believe that Sir and I can construct our own relationship and shouldn't take the status quo as a given. I believe very much in constantly improving and adapting our relationship. I don't believe we will ever be perfect - and I'm not so much interested in changing and tweaking things because I am unhappy and dissatisfied, but because trying hard and changing things is good in itself.

However.

I have found myself for the past couple of months feeling increasingly distant from Sir, both emotionally and sexually. I've tried talking to Sir about this a few times but only properly managed it a couple of nights ago. This time I am feeling particularly sad and lost about things because I don't know what's causing it and I don't know the way forward and I don't know what to do.

This is where the nature of love comes in.

Is love about your respective attributes? Is it about who they are as a person and whether they are compatible with you or not? Is the value of love to be found in appreciating your partner for the individual they are?

Or is love about the shared experience and the construction of the relationship? Is the value of love to be found in how you relate to one another, and how you work together on things?

Clearly, it's a mixture of both. Meeting a great person is not enough to guarantee a great relationship; but sometimes the both of you can try really hard and things still won't work out.

But where is the balance? Where is that line? Am I staying with Sir because things are good - or because I'm afraid that I won't find love again, and I know the time and energy it would take to build up this sort of connection again? Will things get better because we work at them, or will they deteriorate because we're both changing and moving in different directions?

What is love?

2011-09-12T22:24:00.000+01:00

I suggested that as a blog topic to Sir when he couldn't think of one; he dismissed it as corny. I don't particularly agree. I think a lot has been said and written about love - much of it ridiculous, sappy and pretentious. One can't get away from the sickliness of the romantic comedy when one thinks of 'love' but there's a reason that people continue to watch such insipid films: after all that's been said and done, we still haven't managed to pin it down.

I write this blog post not because I have an answer but because I don't. I think 'love' and 'relationships' have proved to be an intellectual challenge for me that 'faith' and 'religion' have been to those who grapple with religious doctrines.

Thinking about what makes relationships work and what love is, is of course an interesting intellectual exercise. Human relationships, particularly sexual ones, are complicated and that makes for an interesting puzzle.

But the exercise is sometimes not intellectual. It seems like if I don't answer this question to my satisfaction I will be unhappy and dissatisfied. If love means X, it suggests one course of action, and if love means Y, it suggests quite another.

I don't think that Sir thinks in these lofty terms. Sir does engage in conversations and debates about what makes a relationship work, and how to construct our own relationship.

But Sir and I are different people. He is a more 'content' person than I am; he is pleased with what he has and cherishes it. However, he is less prone to thinking of how things could be better because he is so content with how things are.

I wouldn't necessarily say that I am less happy than Sir, but I suppose I am more intellectually restless, if that doesn't sound too pretentious. I am always striving and tweaking things. I don't think I'm restless in the pursuit of perfection; I think I'm restless because I believe the pursuit in itself is rewarding. Working hard and improving on things where you can is good for you, even if you can never achieve perfection. Of course, that comes at a price: I am more prone to worrying that things aren't as good as they could be, and I am sensitive to the slightest issue.

I don't know what love is. When everything is wonderful, you think you know, or you don't think about the question at all. What is love? This. Whatever this is. And that answer satisfies you. But now, when things are a bit tougher, I'm inclined to respond in the same way - but I do desperately want to know what 'this' is.

Health update

2011-09-09T11:19:00.000+01:00

Good news! It wasn't the Pilates that made me ill. Apologies to the nice lady on the Pilates youtube video who I blamed for my back pain.

Bad news! It's another kidney infection.

However I seem to have caught it earlier than last time so I'm in a lot less pain and not sweating buckets. I really hope I feel well enough by this evening to go to Sir's for his birthday but I'm not sure.

There's only one thing to do in this situation. And that is to nap. (And obviously take all prescribed medication with gusto.)

Poor bunny

2011-09-07T22:03:00.003+01:00

As my bunny's recent post highlights, she has had a bit of a rough time lately, despite only trying to do the right things. This has been made even worse today by a back injury from exercises my bunny has been trying to do to become more toned, so I think she is feeling pretty down and sorry for herself, so I feel I should pay tribute to what a great person she is. This is just focusing on her personality, although physically she is also amazing.

The main reason my bunny is such a great person is because of the passion she tackles everything she faces with. It doesn't matter whether it is something my bunny enjoys, something she knows she has to do anyway, or something she doesn't see the point of - the passion is always there to be seen.

When my bunny is doing something that she enjoys, it is most obvious. If she has got into a political debate, or a discussion of beliefs, for example, she is a formidable opponent. She seems to know everything there is to know, and has very strongly held views, backed up by very good reasoning. These views are held so strongly because she is passionate about these things, and takes great pride in sticking up for what she believes.

When my bunny is doing something that needs to be done, but she might not really enjoy it, such as her recent exercises, this passion and drive to succeed is also evident. Yesterday her muscles were aching, but she was still determined to complete the workout, although this may have contributed to her current injury. This drive to carry on and achieve what she wants to is another important way that her passion comes out.

When my bunny is doing something she doesn't see the point of, then the passion I keep talking about is evident for the opposite reason. She will say if something is stupid or pointless, because she rightly doesn't want her efforts wasted, and I think she really cares about working towards a goal. If there is something that has no goal in mind, then she rightly sees it is pointless and rebels against it, which is this passion coming out again.

I think that most, if not all, of my bunny's brilliant personality traits are because she passionately believes in certain principles that she should live by. Her kindness, generosity when appropriate, intelligence, common sense (often willingness to ask others when she doesn't know) and caring for others, all are there in her personality because she sees they are the right things to do, so she makes sure she does them even if it takes effort.

I love that my bunny is passionate, and all the brilliant things about her this leads to. Even though she is having some misfortune at the moment, I know she will push through it and still achieve what she wants to while she is having these problems, as if she believes they are the right things to go for she will make sure she gets there.

Dear Body

2011-09-05T23:01:00.000+01:00

Dear Body,

It has become clear to me in the past few years that you have a mind of your own, and that mind is of a Christian family-values nutjob who wishes to punish me for having consensual sex.

I would remind you that I exercise, don't eat meat, don't drink alcohol, don't smoke, get plenty of fresh air and have just recently managed to get my weight into the 'healthy' range of BMI.

When I began having sex, you plagued me with bouts of bacterial cystitis. I understand that you are prone to this sort of thing, and I apologise for being late in taking this seriously. I thought it would go away on it's own. Obviously, you thought I did not respond with due haste and I admit there is some weight to your charges.

You saw fit to punish me with a crippling kidney infection in the middle of my exams. From then on, you absolutely had my attention. I have been much more serious in my efforts to prevent cystitis from occurring (bar actually abstaining from sex) and have treated all subsequent bouts with antibiotics immediately.

Now you seem to have developed interstitial cystitis, which is caused by inflammation of the bladder wall. I've not had this diagnosed yet, but I will be seeing the doctor tomorrow. Hopefully he or she will accept my diagnosis rather than forcing me to undergo lots of tests and continue to have interrupted days and nights.

Dear Body, I haven't had bacterial cystitis in a while. I thought we had made peace. I understand you would prefer it if I lived the life of a nun, but seeing as I don't even live with my (monogamous, if this helps my case) boyfriend, I hardly think the amount of sex I'm having is excessive. You're being unreasonable.

I would also like you to stop focusing on my urinary system. I confess I'm a tad worried that you're going to declare Judgement Day again and wreak havoc with my kidneys.

May I suggest either: reconsidering your puritan, outdated beliefs and understand that I am a consenting adult engaging in monogamous sex with only one partner (if only we were married we'd be a great example as per your ethical code!) and go away; or, failing that, take it out on another body part.

Yours sincerely,

Your disgruntled owner

Q & A Guardian-style

2011-09-03T13:00:00.000+01:00

When were you happiest?
I was probably most joyful when I got my dog.

What is your greatest fear?
Something happening to my nieces and it being my fault. In everyday life, parking.

What is your earliest memory?
I remember being carried in a white and green carrier on my dad's back looking at a gravel path and some palm trees as a baby.

Which living person do you most admire, and why?
Probably my mum, because she's refused to be a victim.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Allowing certain people to get under my skin and stay there.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Lack of self-awareness.

Property aside, what's the most expensive thing you've bought?
The complete series of West Wing.

What is your most treasured possession?
My dog.

What would your super power be?
Super-strength. I am physically weak.

What makes you unhappy?
Being away from people and deadlines.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
My height

What is your favourite word?
I don't have one.

What is your most unappealing habit?
Insisting on popping Sir's zits.

What is your fancy dress costume of choice?
Nothing. I have enough trouble with fashion as it is. Bah humbug.

If you could bring something extinct back to life, what would you choose?
Nothing dinosaur related.

Is it better to give or to receive?
It depends.

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
I don't feel guilty about being happy.

What does love feel like?
It ranges from incredible, to comfortable, to hard work.

What was the best kiss of your life?

It's difficult to remember individual kisses, so I'd have to plump for my first. I was both worried that I was doing it wrong and exhilarated that I was actually kissing someone.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
According to Sir, 'What?' when I've heard him perfectly.

What is the worst job you've done?
Picking gooseberries.

If you could go back in time, where would you go?
The beginning.

When did you last cry, and why?
3 weeks ago, when I saw Sir for the first time after my Granny died.

How do you relax?

Sex; masturbation; squash; tea; reading Wikipedia; having naps.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
Living with Sir.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
I'd like to say my fantastic relationship but honestly I probably derive more glee from brilliant exam results.

How would you like to be remembered?
I don't care at all; I'll be dead.

Where would you most like to be right now?
Right here, but with no one apart from Sir.

What constitutes topping from the bottom?

2011-09-02T21:53:00.002+01:00

There is no particular motivation for this post, other than I was trying to think of something to write about and this was an issue we had earlier in our relationship. It is also something my bunny sometimes asks about, although indirectly, when she makes suggestions that I go along with.

The key distinction, in my opinion, is who ultimately makes the final decision. I do not think that there is a problem with a submissive making suggestions or requests, and I in fact encourage it from my bunny, although I appreciate that other people's relationships work in a different way. As long as the dominant knows that they can turn around and say 'no, we're doing this instead' and that is what happens, then I do not think it is topping from the bottom.

I like to take the views of my bunny into account in the decisions I make, as even though we should be doing what I want to, making my bunny happy is something I want to do. It is therefore very important to me that my bunny says what she is really thinking and tells me what she really wants, as it is only with as much information as possible that I can be the best dominant I can. So far from being topping from the bottom, I see it as helping me to take control more effectively and improve my dominance over her.

There is a point at which it can go too far, where I would be doing something I don't want to do just because I think that is what my bunny wants, and that would be topping from the bottom in my mind. But when my bunny is simply making suggestions or requests to me, I am thinking about it and weighing up what I think is the best thing to do, and I then make the final decision based on this, and that is what I then want to do, I do not think that is topping from the bottom at all. I also know that I could stop my bunny from making suggestions, or ignore them if I chose to do so, but I do not think that would be responsible.

Topping from the bottom can be a difficult thing to spot early on in a D/s relationship, especially if it is the submissive who is encouraging it to be more D/s. I'm not sure there are particular defining features of it, but who is making the final decisions is probably the key thing in my opinion. The rest is probably individual to each relationship, but I think as long as the Dominant is confident in what they are doing, there is trust between the two sides, and it is clear who gets the final say, then it can be worked out fairly easily.

Single identity

2011-09-01T13:18:00.000+01:00

After two and a half years, I still seem to retain something of a 'single' identity.

I don't mean that I'm surprised that I'm still my own person - that is, of course, a good thing and not very surprising - but I still view myself at times as single rather than coupled up.

I get slightly uncomfortable referring to Sir as my boyfriend or myself in a relationship. I think it sounds slightly pretentious or I feel like I'm name-dropping. Or I feel like I'm not being taken seriously.

This is kind of odd because I am happy with my relationship. My friends and family like Sir a lot, so I don't have anything to be embarrassed about. But I still feel kind of a fraud when I mention him. Like I'm forcing him into the conversation to show off.

I think this comes from spending the first part of my teenage years being completely ignored by the opposite sex. I went to an all-girls' school and didn't know many boys (and it wasn't like I was trying very hard to get to know them either) so this was kind of unsurprising. It's not like I was being constantly rejected, more that other people seemed to acquire certain experiences without much effort and I didn't, which at times made me feel like I was missing out.

We are still very young (and I look even younger) so I sometimes feel like if I say or imply that I'm in a serious relationship, I won't be believed. I can guess certainly that my dad isn't too happy about it.

I guess saying that I have a boyfriend and in a relationship will feel less awkward over time. It feels like each year we are together adds another bit of legitimacy to our status to the outside world.

I hate being shouted at

2011-08-31T21:53:00.000+01:00

I hate being shouted at. I'm sure no-one particularly likes this, but I get quite frightened when I am shouted at.

My father shouts at my mother a lot, or gets angry at little things she does. Sometimes she can be quite irrational or not clear in what she's talking about, and instead of asking her to clarify or joking with her about it, he will get angry or mock her. He thinks he is completely justified when doing this.

I have also seen my mother been hit with a map out of anger because we were lost. I have also been hit with a book for not doing my Spanish homework promptly. Those were the only times I have ever experienced, but I now naturally link being shouted at with the possibility of being hit.

Shouting is a loss of control. It shows that you can't channel your anger productively, and it implies to me that further losses of control (throwing things, hitting etc.) might happen in the future.

One of the reasons I chose to go out with Sir is that he is very specifically not like my father. He is always calm and has never shouted at me in the two and a half years of us going out.

Until a couple of days ago. It wasn't even over a big thing; we weren't even fighting. I said something that wasn't clear and he shouted at me for it. The circumstances - me doing something wrong and setting him off - exactly mirrored that of my parents. It frightened me.

I don't think shouting is necessarily indicative of abuse; I certainly have raised my voice to Sir a few times. But after two and a half years of Sir never shouting it came as a shock.

We've talked about it now and the possible reasons for why he snapped and why it so upset me. It was obviously quite upsetting for me because during the weekend was one of the few times I was totally unresponsive to oral sex. Fortunately I did manage to feel sexual again the next day, but it took a while to stop feeling hurt.

Weekend

2011-08-30T21:52:00.002+01:00

This weekend wasn't particularly exciting or special, but it felt nice to be together after we had had a few problems in the days before, which I'm sure there will be some posts about in the next few days.

We started off the weekend by me being at my house anf my bunny going to see her brother and his family, before she came to stay with me. When she arrived I had our dinner ready and we ate that, before going upstairs for a bit. When we wer ein private in my room, I knew my bunny wanted to talk to me, so we talked through the issues we had and eventually resolved them, before having a cuddle and heading downstairs to talk to our friends. After a while we were tired and went to bed. I started to go down on my bunny, but she wasn't making noises or reacting like normal, so I asked her if something was wrong and she agreed she might want to just cuddle instead. We cuddled for a bit, but then she started giving me a blowjob, which was very good. We then had sex which didn't last that long because of the blowjob previously, but was pretty passionate, and cuddled after before going to sleep.

The next morning we got up and had a nice breakfast with everyone, before getting ready to head out to see some more friends. That was a very nice day; talking to my bunny on the way there, having a picnic and playing frisbee in the park and going to a nice restaurant in the evening. When we got back we met up with my housemate friends for a drink, before heading back to the house and bed. We were both pretty tired after a long day, so went to sleep after a little cuddle.

In the morning I got up early and went for a run, before coming back and showering. My bunny had requested morning sex, and given we hadn't had sex the night before I was also very eager for that, so that is what we did. I was tired after my run, however, so it wasn't quite as good for me as usual, as I didn't have the energy to make it that good. My bunny seemed to enjoy it a lot though, so that was good.

After that we got up, had breakfast and went to the cinema with our friends, before a nice lunch finished off what was a very sociable weekend. It was a nice way to spend our time, with enough private time to work through our issues, yet also seeing many people at the same time.

House to Ourselves

2011-08-23T22:14:00.002+01:00

Now I have moved into my new house there is somewhere else me and my bunny can go to spend time together. When we have been there previously my friends have also been around, so we have not really been on our own, but the past couple of days we have had the chance to have the house completely to ourselves, which has been very nice.

There was not a lot of scening - we had sex a couple of times and there was a little bit of spanking - but it is still nice to just be able to do what we want whenever we want to do it, and my bunny was able to make more noise than she would if there was someone else in the house. It is also easier because if we need to leave the bedroom for any reason, there is no need to get dressed and cover up, as there is nobody to see us, so it generally makes things run a lot smoother.

It is also good to be able to spend a bit of time alone together. We went out for a nice meal, which was also very cheap, on the first night, while cooking for ourselves the second night. I had a few errands to run too, as I continue to try to sort out the house, so we did those together too. It was generally a normal sort of day, but being able to do it with my bunny made it more enjoyable all round.

I am also getting to see my bunny every day this week, which is pretty rare for us, so I can look forward to spending more time with her and also seeing some other friends :)

My Granny

2011-08-20T22:20:00.001+01:00

My granny died a couple of weeks ago.

It was a relatively easy death to deal with. There were many comforts to be had in the way she died. She - who kept her small flat as a shrine to her grandchildren and great-grandchildren - died a couple of months after two new great-grandchildren were born. The day before she died, my brother rang her to tell her that he was engaged. She then rang everyone else in her immediate family to tell them, so everyone who cared about her had spoken to her the day before she had died.

She had been ill about a month before. She had had a fall and had gone into hospital. We all thought she would die there. My dad - who lives some 500 miles from her - travelled up to see her. She did not die in the hospital. She came home and was recovering.

She died with her mobility much impaired (45 years of obesity will do that), but her mental faculties all there. She did not die slowly. She died of a massive heart attack. Her bed had been slept in.

I - and the rest of my family - do not believe in God. We are atheists. My granny might not have gone quite that far, but she was certainly a pretty non-committed Christian if indeed she was one by the end. So it grated a bit when at the service the reverend talked a lot about there being no comfort for us beyond the fact that she is with God now.

My granny is not in heaven. Firstly, there is no such place, and secondly, even if there was, she definitely did not meet the requirements to be accepted. The Bible is fairly clear that there are more entry requirements than just being a wishy-washy 'good person'.

My granny was not a great person. She was not ambitious or talented. She lived a quiet life, usually playing the supportive, background role. Yet in her own eyes her life had turned out just the way she had wanted it. She was married for many decades, and when her husband died, she did not dwell on what had been, but focused instead on her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

She is survived by her five children, nine grandchildren and three great-grandchildren, of whom she was all incredibly proud. She isn't in heaven and she isn't watching over me. But I miss her and thank her for her quiet support. She will live on in our memories.

Don't fumble through life

2011-08-18T22:39:00.001+01:00

It seems to me that a lot of people are just fumbling their way through life. Often I read blogs where relationship crises and fights are constantly flaring up, or people repeat the same mistakes time after time and get stressed about it.

I've realised that few people have the guts to take a long, hard look at themselves and their relationship. Few people seem to be as capable of introspection and self-examination as we are. Perhaps it's because to do so would be to admit a few ugly truths to yourself - maybe you pick fights all the time because you really just want proof that he'll still be there no matter how badly you treat him. Maybe you try to help people who don't want to be helped because you thrive on the guilt and drama of it all.

Or maybe it's because people don't realise that they can change themselves and their relationships. Maybe they believe that this is the way things are and nothing will really change that. Maybe it doesn't cross their minds to have an end goal or an image of what they want to be. They take one thing at a time rather than working out a strategy because that's all they've ever done.

The best thing my parents ever did for me was to give me an iron sense of self worth. I may have recurring problems with depression, but my self esteem has never flagged. It has never occurred to me that I could not achieve something once I was prepared to put the effort and the ingenuity in.

In relationships, love is not enough. Love does not make you wise; love does not necessarily bring clarity. You have to take responsibility for your own life and for your relationship. You have to be willing to review; to examine; to question the other person about their motives and aspirations. If love was all you needed, great relationships would be easy to find.

But you know what, constructing your relationship and making it strong may be difficult and at times hurtful - but in the end it is definitely worth it. Striving to reach a goal - even if you never quite achieve it - is far, far better than just fumbling through life.

Fantasy versus reality

2011-08-16T19:17:00.000+01:00

Fantasy: Being obsessed over and stalked and the centre of Sir's attention.

Reality: Seriously, why are you following me? You can see me any time you like. It's just weird now. I know you have university and other things to do.

Fantasy: Being forced to carry his child so that I'd be his forever.

Reality: It's far too early for us to have a child! We don't even live together! We're still at university - separate universities for the love of God! I'm going to have to give birth to this child and raise it practically on my own for the first few years! This is something I should definitely have a say in. Did you even think about the child's well-being? This is a really fucked up thing to do to a kid just for the sake of your fantasy. And by the way, this gets me a lot closer to leaving you than I was before.

Fantasy: Being kidnapped and trained to be his perfect slave.

Reality: Oh my God, he's actually gone insane. If he's willing to imprison me when he can see me all he wants, there's really no telling whether or not he'll just forget about me and I'll starve to death.

Fantasies should probably stay as fantasies.

Intimacy is...

2011-08-14T23:56:00.000+01:00

...asking your partner to examine you to determine whether that disgusting swelling between your pussy and your anus is a zit or an ingrown hair.

(It was a zit)

Take that 'Your love is like a red, red rose' rubbish!

Why I am sexually attracted to Sir

2011-08-11T21:20:00.000+01:00

Well, he wrote a post about me, so I guess I should return the favour. Plus I'm at a loss of what to blog about. Plus, after two weeks of not seeing Sir, I want to get laid! (Said to the tune of 'I want to break free' by Queen)

Because he fucks me really well.

I might as well just leave it there, really. I am sexually attracted to Sir because I know that what I am seeing is the man who has given me plenty of orgasms, who will dominate me in bed, who knows my body inside and out and knows exactly what to do to give me pleasure, and who will do whatever he wants to me.

But there's more.

He is physically beautiful. He has broad shoulders and strong thighs. He is tall and much, much stronger than me. He can easily overpower me. I love that space of the top of his shoulder and his neck; it tastes so good. He smells so good. He has strong, confident hands. Long, lean legs. Looks great in a suit.

But there's more!

He is incredibly intelligent. He is good at things like maths and economics, which I am no good at. Hearing him talk about risk management or his timetable makes me want him. I have a thing for geeks. He works hard for his success and helps others, never making you feel foolish for asking. He cares about politics and is good to discuss things with.

But there's more!

He is kind and generous and supportive. He loves cuddling and holding my hand. I can't explain it, but him being so sweet makes me smile...and makes me horny!

That's about it!

Now I really want him to take off my clothes and to feel his soft, wet tongue slowly skate across my clit while he fingers my nipples until they're hard...and I want him to make me cum as I stroke his hair and buck against his mouth...and then I want him to do it again so that I'm really, really wet...and then I want him to slowly slide into me as I adjust to his girth, and I want him to pin my wrists behind my head, and I want him to roughly kiss my neck and force me to tell him that I love him over and over again as he thrusts into me and I beg for orgasm after orgasm...

And now, given that I have to wait for tomorrow to have sex with him, I want to masturbate.

Why I'm Sexually Attracted to My Bunny

2011-08-10T21:49:00.002+01:00

The most obvious reasons for finding my bunny attractive are her physical attributes. She has perfectly-formed breasts, which are quite small, although as she is quite small it means they look proportionally just right. The size is also a benefit, as I prefer smaller breasts, although they are not that small, finding that larger breasts can look odd sometimes. My bunny has breasts that are the perfect size and shape for my preferences though.

She also has amazing legs, which are beautifully smooth to the touch. They are nice and toned, and look great whether in skirts or trousers. Also, at the top of her legs, my bunny also has a wonderful arse. It is nicely rounded and superb for spanking, as well as jiggling pleasantly during certain activities. My bunny looks after herself and stays healthy too, so she also has a lovely, trimmed pussy and a flat stomach, which just complete her body's sexiness.

Apart from my bunny's physical body appearance, she also has what I would describe as a sexy personality. She has a very high sex drive, which is always good and leads to a number of interesting ideas of things to try in the bedroom. She is also very self-confident and intellectually confrontational, providing a challenge to try to dominate her that I find very alluring. Our personalities match very well, and we have some good discussions that I sometimes find a turn-on as well.

Another reason that I am sexually attracted to my bunny is her beauty, apart from her body. She has a very pretty smile and bright, happy eyes. Her hair is always nicely brushed and soft to stroke. She has a cute little nose and full lips that are brilliant for kissing. She also has a beautiful personality, being kind and generous when the need is there, but also very intelligent and sensible about when this is needed and when it is not appropriate. She is very intelligent full-stop, and passionate about the very good causes she cares about, which I also find to be sexy attributes.

Finally, my bunny's size attracts me to her. She is small, at around a foot shorter than me, which I feel works very well for our dynamic. I really can physically overpower her and stop her from doing something, or make her do something she doesn't want to. I can also feel like I am protecting or looking after more easily. She also has cute little habits, such as the way she scratches her nose, which although this contributes more to our age play, which has not been used sexually, still reinforces the dynamic, which is then something that sexually attracts me to my bunny.

Pissing experience

2011-08-04T12:32:00.000+01:00

So recently we tried out something I'd wanted to do for a little while: having Sir piss on me.

We chose to do it in the shower, with the water running so that it would be easy to clean up. I knelt on the floor in front of him (which made him hard again) and he aimed kind of for my chest area, trying not to get my hair wet or any in my mouth.

Before it started I was a bit nervous and needed some reassurance, but I still wanted to try it out. I didn't realise that he hadn't peed before that morning, which meant that there was a) a lot of it and b) it smelled more strongly than usual. In future I would really prefer it to be later in the day!

The actual experience was neither here nor there really. The warmth of it felt quite nice and the anticipation was fun, but the smell was quite gross so the first thing I wanted to do was wash it off me.

I didn't feel particularly degraded or humiliated by it for very long but neither did I feel disgusted with myself. I think part of the problem was that I do like humiliation to be 'forced' on me - I want it to be very much Sir's idea and I'm the reluctant one. In this scenario it was very clear that I was the one who was keen to try it an Sir was acquiescing, which wasn't nearly as fun.

I don't particularly regret doing it, and I might well enjoy it more under a different dynamic, but it didn't really do much for me. But it is always good to try new things, and we just got on with the day after that.

Longer Apart

2011-08-03T21:41:00.002+01:00

It is going to be an extra week before I can see my bunny again. We were supposed to be going to stay in my new house for the weekend, with a friend, while we are sorting stuff out for it, but my bunny has to go to a funeral instead. This will mean I cannot see her this weekend, and as I am working it will not be until next weekend that I do see her.

This is obviously sad for me because I want to see my bunny, and sad for her because she has not chosen to not see me and would much rather come with me to my new house. I have got limited opportunities to see my bunny over the summer because I am quite busy, so I have to make the most of every opportunity I get. We will cope without seeing each other for another week, of course, but I will still miss my bunny and it would be much better if I could still see her.

It is also worrying, the effect it might have on my bunny. Over the past few days she has been doing very well with her depression; even talking to the friend who has brought it on in some ways, in a very constructive manner, yet remaining pretty detached from the situation so it did not effect her. She has been more productive and in a better mood for our conversations, so they have been a more pleasant experience. The worry is that isolation can bring on depression for my bunny, and if she does not see me for two weeks she may begin to feel a bit isolated. She will get to see family, however, which may help that, but not in a very pleasant atmosphere as it is a funeral.

Hopefully my bunny will be distracted a bit by seeing people she hasn't for a while, and I will have to put in some extra effort to give my bunny attention, and maybe we will get through this time without my bunny feeling isolated and becoming depressed. Whatever happens, we will come through it OK, it is just a bit inconvenient really.

Swimming in the open ocean

2011-08-01T11:50:00.000+01:00

So, I've come up with a long and convoluted metaphor about my depression. There are some rather obvious flaws and perhaps it won't always be clear what I'm talking about. But goshdarnit I had fun making it up:

Most of the time, I walk about on dry land. I'm a human being, so I'm kind of built for this particular task, and the simply walking on dry land is no task at all. Usually there are other people around to talk to and there's a lot on dry land to entertain me and distract me and keep me going. Sometimes things are a bit difficult but usually there are other people about to help me but it's no big deal.

Depression is like leaving dry land and swimming in the open ocean.

To be clear: I can swim. In fact I'm a good swimmer. But humans aren't really designed for swimming in the same way as they are for walking. I'm quite uncomfortable here and it feels unnatural.

Most of the time I'm swimming along on the surface of the water. Swimming in the open ocean is primarily boring and lonely and hard work. My view hardly ever changes and all I ever do all day is swim, looking for the elusive dry land. I can keep swimming for quite some way, but I really don't want to, and over time I will get tired of it.

There are things I can do to help my predicament, however. I can navigate using the stars to help steer me in a course where I think land is. Trying to navigate by the stars will help me out of the open ocean but it will also distract me from the monotony of just trying to survive.

However, sometimes the stars aren't visible and I can't use them to help. At other times I lose faith in my ability to navigate by stars and refuse to do it. Sometimes I'm so focused on continuing to just keep swimming that I sort of forget that the stars are important.

Looking at the stars won't cure my problem - the problem is that I'm in the open ocean, not that the sky is cloudy - but it will definitely help.

Sometimes there is an enormous wave and I am plunged under the surface. I might have an oxygen tank so yes, I can survive this experience but everything is dark and horrible and I don't know where I'm going.

On occasion I come across a rocky outcrop or an island. After the perils of the open ocean, this is quite a relief. The contrast is clear. I can rest here and feel much safer. But I can't stay forever on the rocky outcrop. I need to keep swimming to find it back to real land. Sometimes, the island looks like it really is connected to the mainland and I'm crushed to find that I'm actually still in the middle of the open ocean.

There is also a constant fear niggling away that something will find me. Yes, the open ocean is extremely large with not much in it, but there is still a small chance that a shark could find me and eat me. I'm torn between trying to ignore this fear because it's really unproductive for my swimming - and wanting to think about how best to defend myself should said beastie find me.

Every single time I've been out in the open ocean, I've found my way back to dry land. Often it wasn't nearly as far away as I thought it was. Swimming in the ocean wasn't that much fun but I can survive and I can cope with such things. I just would really, really like to stay on dry land.

Going through a particularly rough period

2011-07-28T00:08:00.000+01:00

I'm currently in a particularly bleak period of depression. It hasn't been a steady downward spiral since the summer began. In fact recently I had been doing better by being really very productive with making notes on online articles. But two things have occurred which have upset my fragile routine and it seems I haven't adjusted to those changes yet.

The first is that my friend with depression sent me a text saying that he'd tried to kill himself, he'd had emergency care, and he couldn't tell anyone but me. Now, I suspect that this was a cry for help and no physical harm came to him. But the text basically was: I'm in a huge amount of pain, but there's nothing you can do to help me. Hope you're well!

I talked to Sir and one of my friends from college (who has been involved with the situation) and felt better. But I'm now entirely convinced that these exchanges are not healthy for him or me. It's self-indulgence and he's making it the defining feature of his life. I can't fix him.

As far as I can see, I have three options.

Number 1: He can stop texting me and ringing me on his own. I obviously have no control over this and I'd still be on tenterhooks wondering if he would contact me for a while, but overall this would be excellent.

Number 2: I can tell him that I'm still his friend, but these sort of exchanges are no longer helpful to him and I should focus more on being his friend. The pro is I stop having these distressing exchanges and I know that they will have stopped. The con is that my friend, who takes everything in the most negative way, will respond badly. He might retreat into himself or he might try to kill himself again. There is always this spectre, this threat, hanging over me about the consequences of my actions. I don't want to be responsible for anyone's pain.

Number 3: We go on as we are. I continue to be depressed and distressed. I continue to not really help my friend and in fact slowly hinder him by making his depression defining - but nor do I deliver any crippling blows.

I think if he continues to contact me I will have to resort to Number 2. I don't really believe he will kill himself over this but I hate being put in this position. It seems so unfair after wanting to help someone. I'm between a rock and a hard place and no option is a good one.

I'm also slightly surprised that I've been made more depressed by this. I know that sounds a bit odd, but usually when I'm stressed I'm not depressed. Inactivity and isolation make me depressed. But this type of stress is different - I am distressed and can't see any clear way to improve our situations.

The other thing that has exacerbated things seems so minor compared to my friend being in real distress. But it fits in more with how my depression works.

My library has asked for the books back; I didn't realise I could only make one renewal. So in order to finish them all and give them back before I get fined too much. Reading and making notes on books takes a lot longer than online articles and I have to do them all in a row before the deadline rather than spacing them out.

It sounds odd but with the articles I can get a lot done in one day and cross a lot off my list. This gives me a great psychological boost of getting a lot done whereas I can only do one book in a day.

I'm not being particularly nice to Sir at the moment. I'm easy to upset and say hurtful things, usually on purpose. I behave badly in order to get attention, I apologise for this. I'm lashing out. I know that Sir says he isn't hurt by this but I'm ashamed of myself. I'm still accountable for my actions but it's very difficult to stop.

At the moment I just want to not be here anymore. I don't mean that I want to die; I just want to not be here for a little while and wait for it to pass. I want to sleep until October.

Hopefully the above two issues will be resolved soon so I can get out of this particularly rough period.

Best wishes to all,

Bunny

Coping With Depression

2011-07-27T22:05:00.002+01:00

My bunny has been having to cope with a friend with depression recently, so it seems like an appropriate time to talk about my bunny's depression and the coping mechanisms we have. My bunny gets seasonal depression in the summer, when she has nothing to keep her occupied so she starts to contemplate the meaningless of life and other similar subjects.

The best way my bunny has found of dealing with this is to be busy as much as possible. This is, however, difficult in summer holidays when there are no friends around on a consistent basis and little routine, which is where I come in. I can give my bunny structure and something to distract her, which mainly now comes from her as she makes her timetables, for example, but the discipline of the enforcement of these comes from me. It is, however, the willingness of my bunny to work to help herself that is really making the difference, as without that whatever I did would not have any effect and my efforts would go to waste.

This is not entirely successful, however, and there are times when my bunny gets depressed. When she is depressed she can be very difficult to communicate with. She is often reluctant to do as I instruct, looks for arguments over things that there would not normally be arguments about and can say nasty things to me. This is normally when the depression is at a less severe level, and I can take these things and not let them affect me because I know it is the depression talking and is not how my bunny really feels.

When the depression becomes more severe it gets a lot harder to deal with. My bunny will become withdrawn and very quiet, responding in minimal, one-word answers. This makes it difficult to get to the bottom of what is really on her mind, and can also make it harder to get her thinking about something more positive, as she does not want to engage in conversation in the same way as she would normally.

The overall technique is one of distraction in many ways. I try to get my bunny to forget about what has made her feel depressed and focus on more positive things, which is easier to do before the depression becomes more severe. This may be through getting her to watch some videos she likes, read something she enjoys reading or giving her orders so she can focus on what she is being told to do by me. This is only a temporary solution, yes, but the depression itself is temporary and is caused by a lack of action leading to these thoughts coming to the surface.

My bunny has some other, internal coping mechanisms of her own. Over the years she has learnt to realise that the depression is only temporary, and that it will eventually go away, so she can see an end to it beyond her having to do something to make it stop. More recently she has learnt to tell me when she is feeling depressed, meaning I can respond in a useful way more quickly, and hopefully prevent it from becoming more severe. She has also learnt that having something to aim at - goals, achievements and set tasks to complete - help in focusing her mind on something beyond what is causing the depression.

Our methods are far from perfect, and we know that the depression will keep coming round each holiday. However, it seems to be gradually improving and appearing less, as well as becoming less ingrained so that it does go away again, suggesting that we are making some progress. This is because my bunny is able and willing to help herself, not just rely on others to do it for her.

People with problems aren't always brave

2011-07-26T12:08:00.001+01:00

I have (had) two uncles with profound disabilities as a result of brain damage inflicted during their adult lives from freak accidents. One of them died a couple of years ago but not directly as a result of his injuries. He drank himself to death.

So it's always been a source of irritation to me that people describe all people with disabilities or other unfortunate circumstances as 'brave'. They're not brave by virtue of having a disability. I think you'll find that those with disabilities do not magically become braver when something bad happens - they are ordinary people. Some of those people will be brave. And some of those people will not be.

The constant positive spin that people with disabilities have of all being brave is also deeply unhelpful. We mask associated problems that come with being disabled because it's implied that such people are brave enough to deal with it.

So we don't talk about how becoming suddenly disabled puts a huge strain on relationships and often ends them. We don't talk about how suddenly you can't do your job anymore. We don't talk about how you have to teach yourself to wipe your own arse again. We don't take about the associated rises of depression and alcoholism and drug dependency that happen when people struggle to cope with what has happened to them.

I wish the media would acknowledge how hard it is for people with disabilities and how not all of them are coping so wonderfully. These people aren't all heroes. Maybe it would be helpful if we didn't constantly praise the little boy who was told he'd never walk again but today he ran a marathon - which, is of course wonderful - and take a moment to acknowledge that some little boys have problems with depression because they're currently have serious disabilities and they used to be brilliant at football.

I guess despite my uncle dying over two years ago now, these thoughts have come back to me because of my friend with serious depression. He isn't helping himself and is constantly expecting others to do it for him. Except depression doesn't work that way. You can pester all your friends about whether they like you or not, and they can all reply (getting steadily more exasperated) that they do a thousand times - you still won't feel better because you haven't put the effort in to like yourself.

At first he started asking me for advice and support. I gave it to him freely and willingly. But it's become clear as time has gone on that he simply wants attention and confirmation that he is liked. He doesn't listen to my advice and comes back day after day with the same problem. There isn't anything more I can say.

It's incredibly draining. All our conversations revolve around him and I want him to go away and think about things on his own. I may sound uncaring but I believe that I could be the kindest person in the world and it still wouldn't do him much good - this is something that I can't fix for him. And I'd rather be the bitch who can sleep at night rather than the good guy who is tormented.

It's difficult to know what to do, partly because whenever he tells me things it often later transpires that he hasn't told me the full story or he's lied about things. I am in no doubt that he is distressed. I am in no doubt his depression is serious. But he is still accountable for his actions, and he is becoming a burden to not only me but most of our friends.

I want to be there as a friend, but I also don't want his depression to define him. He doesn't want to help himself and continues to play the victim.

This person is not dealing with his depression well. That doesn't mean to say everyone who is brave or tries hard gets better. Or that having depression is a sign of weakness. But some people deal with the hand that they have been given far better than others.

Depression and disabilities are serious problems that affect ordinary people. A lot of people struggle and are in real pain because of them. Not everyone gets better and not everyone copes well. We should remember these people as well.

One of the best weekends in a long time

2011-07-25T13:04:00.000+01:00

So I know that Sir has already done a post about our weekend together but there are certain bits I want to go back to so that I can remember it as clearly as possible for the future.

#1: Stripping for Sir. His last post about my stripping performance upset me because it mentioned that the extra things I did for him didn't turn him on; whereas at the time he gave the impression that he really enjoyed it. I feel very vulnerable performing for Sir like that so this hurt me quite a bit. I cried a lot and I really didn't want to put myself through that again for nothing. But once I calmed down and realised that Sir enjoyed the main part of the stripping I thought that I should face up to my fears and refuse to be a victim.

The striptease I gave Sir was very successful and he was clearly very turned on by it. I'm growing more confident in performing now; the previous striptease didn't seem to have set me back at all once I put my mind to it. After the striptease we had great and very loud sex on my bed. I really enjoy being loud in bed; I like to moan quite a lot and I enjoy dirty talk. I can moan quietly but I prefer not to.

#2 The spanking/nipple clamps/sex/anal extravaganza. Sir started by spanking me quite hard, but as I was over his lap this actually felt very intimate and close even though he was hurting me. After each spank he would stroke me and sometimes take the opportunity to play with me. He then asked me to lie back and take the nipple clamps for him. I was able to do this fairly easily and when he went to take them off I requested that I be allowed to keep them on and be spanked at the same time.

I thought this would increase my pain levels but by that point I wasn't really processing pain that way anymore. I could tell by the noise levels that he was spanking me very hard but it seemed as light as a caress and was just arousing me more. I was moaning with pleasure rather than pain. This was interesting because once before when the spankings got too much I stopped being able to feel them and wiggling about and sort of floated off into subspace. This time was completely different: I was very much present but just simply aroused by it.

I was made really wet by the spanking, so we began to have sex in the missionary position. The position meant the clamps were hurting quite a lot - now I could feel the pain but I was enjoying taking it for him. I wanted him to hurt me. After the first couple of orgasms the pain was getting really bad and I requested that they be taken off. When he took them off it hurt a great deal but very soon and I had forgotten about the pain. The sex was one of the best we have ever had; I was so so wet and he was thrusting inside me about as hard as ever.

The cuddling after was great too; I was making lots of little noises because I can't often talk after sex, but they were all happy little noises. I wanted to be touched and cuddled a lot. I think I was in a type of subspace because I processed the cream sheets and the light streaming in as a very romantic setting. Usually I'm not paying much attention to our surroundings, but it struck me as like a honeymoon hotel suite. Soon I was kissing him passionately again and wanting more, and said that I wanted him to take me anally.

This was a very erotic experience, I suppose - I didn't really expect Sir to come but we both got a lot of pleasure from it and when I started to get a bit shaky from guiding him in and out we cuddled. I was so far into subspace that I was relaxed enough to go pretty much straight to sleep.

These times for us are quite rare given that there are usually other people around but we definitely do make the most of them when we get them! :)

Busy couple of days

2011-07-22T15:39:00.000+01:00

Over the past couple of days we have had some time in the house with just the two of us, and we have taken full advantage of that. It is always nice to get time alone, as we are normally surrounded by family, so when we do get times like these we have to try to get as much stuff in we can not do while others are around in, such as spanking and things that make a lot of noise.

Yesterday we started by me giving my bunny a spanking. This was quite a long spanking, and by the end each spank was beginning to bring my bunny pleasure rather than pain, judging from the sounds she was making. At this point I then decided to put the nipple clamps on. My bunny took these as easily as she ever has and I was able to almost put them on straight away, whereas usually it takes a lot of easing my bunny into the pain. I then put my bunny back onto all fours and spanked her again. By the end of this spanking she was very wet and I was turned on a lot, so we then had some very good sex. After my bunny had come back to her usual self I let her have a nap while I went running. We then cooked dinner and watched some TV, before having a very nice, relaxing bath together, watching a film and heading to bed.

This morning we woke up, dealt with the dog and had some breakfast, before trying something we had never done before. When we got in the shower I had my bunny kneel in front of me and pissed on her. My bunny had talked about wanting to try this a few times, and it wasn't something that gave me particularly strong feeling either way, so I thought we would give it a go. As it turns out, neither of us got a great deal from it, although it also wasn't bad, but I'm not sure we will be doing that much in the future. However, it is something else we have tried and there is no harm in trying new things, as at least we now know how we feel about it.

We then took the dog for a walk and had some lunch after we came back, before I sent my bunny upstairs to get ready to perform a strip tease. She once again did this very well, adding a new outfit and some lipstick compared to the last time she did a strip tease, but she still was very sexy in her movements and inventive in her routine. After the stripping I was obviously very turned on, so went down on my bunny before we had sex again, after which my bunny is now having a nap.

So we have managed to get a lot of stuff done over the past couple of days, and in fact everything we were aiming to get done that we normally find difficult when other people are about. It has been a very successful couple of days.

A future lesbian performance?

2011-07-19T20:41:00.000+01:00

Last night something came up which surprised that hell out of me.

Recently I've been having lesbian nightmares. It sounds like a slightly odd joke but it's true: I've had a recurring dream for the past few months that I'm about to have a lesbian experience and I'm very happy about it, and then suddenly the other woman rapes me or tries to kill me. It's a horrible dream because unlike most nightmares, where I sort of know it's a nightmare and isn't real, the dream starts off as a very very good dream and I am shocked when it changes.

So a couple of nights ago I happened to have a lesbian dream which did not end up with me being raped or hunted by the woman. I make no particular claims about what this means, or indeed what the lesbian nightmares meant, but I mentioned it to Sir.

And he said he'd have to organise a viewing for himself at some point.

I was confused at that; I assumed he was joking a bit and talking about wanting to see the dream I had had. He clarified and said that he meant seeing me with another girl, but I shouldn't worry because if it did happen it would be a long way in the future. He can't really organise it now and it's not something he wants to do right now, but perhaps in the future it would be interesting to make me perform for him with another girl.

Um.

Since when was this in the future at all?

I had been under the impression that we had a tacit agreement not to involve other people in our sex lives. OK, I wouldn't classify it as a limit. But nonetheless I had understood that involving another person would have emotional consequences for me that would make it unwise. I had also understood that Sir had had no interest in pursuing such a thing.

He had understood that the involvement with other people had only extended to men, not women, and said that he would obviously consult me about it if he wanted to do it.

The problem is that I don't want to do it. Unless something radically changes, consultation wouldn't change that. He said if I don't want to do it I wouldn't be made to.

But nonetheless isn't there still a problem? He wants something from me which I'm not giving, even if I've been allowed that as a limit.

Why does he want me to perform for him with another woman? I feel terribly naive even posing the question. I don't want it to be because there's another woman there although that seems like the obvious answer. I don't want him to be aroused by another woman. I accept this is wildly unrealistic.

He said it would be interesting to watch, but he might also feel jealous. The making me do it is interesting as a fantasy. But fantasies don't always work in practice.

The specific appeal is in the making me perform for him. He would be able to watch me like I was in porn, except nobody else could see. He would have the power to make me exhibit myself.

None of those reasons mentioned the appeal of another woman so I did feel a bit let off the hook. I put it to him that these things were surely fulfilled by my stripping for him, something I find very uncomfortable. He hadn't thought of it like that and agreed.

I thought that there might be something extra in the lesbian show that set it apart; for instance, did he also want me to be jealous? He said no; he said although it might be sweet to see, he knew it wasn't a nice feeling. I probably should ask what he was referring to with that.

Here are my feelings on the matter.

As his slave, I recognise that he could make me do this. If that were the case, I would have to try my best. I realise that this fantasy is more about the effect the performance has on me rather than the titillation of the other woman. I might well enjoy myself and I would not be cheating because I would be doing it with my master's full consent and indeed for his enjoyment. I don't have any problem with other people enacting similar scenarios.

However, we must also recognise that I am a human being and there would be emotional consequences for this. Indeed, so is he. Both sides might find themselves hugely jealous. The one thing I did not appreciate before entering into a relationship at such a young age was the high regard I now hold for exclusivity. That Sir is the only person I have ever been intimate with is very special to me. No other human being has been allowed to see me that way; it is something special I have reserved for him. I fear that involving someone else might cheapen the experience for me and take away some of the intimacy.

I also fear that a competitiveness would come over me that would stop me from enjoying the experience; either feeling wholly unattractive compared to the other woman or too busy trying to out-do her to take her feelings into consideration. I think I would mentally compare myself to this woman in years to come as well. I want exclusivity from Sir; I want specialness; I want him to be aroused by only me and me alone. I recognise these are desires, not rights in our relationship.

At the same time I don't want to fail him by not being able to give him what he wants. In spite of this, I would be foolish not to voice my desires as I have already been punished for trying to pre-empt Sir's decisions.

How to fight

2011-07-17T20:50:00.000+01:00

Holly Pervocracy recently wrote a post commenting that there are millions of articles and guides on how to find a relationship and love, and not many on how to sustain a relationship and make it work. While I'm not desperately sad about that - I tend to think that such guides are sexist, game-playing and above all useless - I would of course change my tune if I wrote one.

#1: Accept there will be fights. It is not the end of the world if you two disagree about something, or even if things get a bit heated. Frankly, I don't think it is healthy to never fight. It certainly doesn't mean you have failed.

#2: Figure out what an earth you are fighting about. Things may have been getting heated all day and one thing breaks the camel's back. Focus on what you are actually angry about rather than red herrings.

#3: Make sure what you are fighting about is actually reasonable. I have often been angry at Sir because of what he did in a dream. It is not sensible to start a fight over this. On the other hand, I wouldn't say ignoring your feelings is a good thing either. I have found that in such circumstances, telling Sir that I am irrationally annoyed at him helps to clear the air.

#4: When fighting, stick to the topic at hand. Don't bring up other annoying things or previous incidents which you have resolved.

#5: Try to remain calm. Raising your voice is a sign of aggression, not strength, and you don't want to intimidate your partner. Obviously don't swear at them or scream. I would hope this was obvious, but do not hit your partner, ever. It is not acceptable for a small woman to hit her partner out of anger; just because you are half his weight doesn't make it any better.

#6: Bring up issues at the time. Sometimes it takes a little while to figure out what is bothering you, but leaving things to fester for months at a time isn't sensible. Hopefully, these talks won't end up being fights but keeping silent just leads to resentment and don't sort anything out. Your partner is not a mind reader. You need to raise issues with them.

#7: Try to resolve your issues before going to bed; or at least part fairly amicably. Should anything happen to your partner mid-argument you would feel awful.

Strip Tease

2011-07-13T22:07:00.002+01:00

To celebrate our first anniversary of my bunny being collared, my bunny performed a strip tease for me. She had prepared music for it, and an outfit, and it was very well performed. Technically it was not a strip tease as it did finish in a blow job, but that just made it even better.

There was one element that was a little uncomfortable, however. My bunny tied me to a chair in order to do it, and made me give her reasons to carry on when she was doing the blow job. This is an unusual switch of power dynamic for us, but given the context it did work quite well. I did not mind being tied to the chair, and it was only loosely, but it did not turn me on or add a lot to the strip tease. I did find a way around this problem during being tied up, by telling myself that it was so that my bunny could service me properly without me interfering, and that if I wanted to I could overpower her anyway.

The point at which I became most uncomfortable with it was when my bunny kept stopping the blow job until I gave her a good reason to continue. This was still only playful, but I had less actual control over whether she continued, though I knew if I ordered her to do it she would, although this would have ruined the atmosphere somewhat. I think my bunny also sensed that maybe the switch had gone a bit far, and toned it down a bit after that, untying me.

After that I felt a need to reassert my authority somewhat, dragging my bunny to the bed by her nipple and throwing her down. I then said a few things that I cannot really remember now to make her realise that I was the one in control, and we then able to have penetrative sex for the first time in a while, which was good.

That may have sounded a bit negative, but I would like to thank my bunny for the stripping and encourage her to always try things that are different, as I can always tell her to stop. On this occasion it was enjoyable, it was just that my bunny got a little carried away when I wasn't really expecting it, but that does not mean it wasn't a good idea to try it. I know she would have stopped had I ordered her to, and that is all I need to know that I am always the one in control, whatever the actions being performed might suggest.